Well, it’s been a few months…

It’s been a while. Let’s get the good statistics speak for themselves:

Weight: 282.6 lbs.
Running distance: 3,5 miles (and increasing!)
Fitting into: my size 22 silver jeans beautifully. In fact, just bought myself size 20’s and can’t wait to fit into them!!! (and these are true to their size, dammit!! So go fuck yourself, Old Navy for letting me lie to myself for so long.)
Circumference measurements: the same. I am not seeing much difference in the inches, oddly enough, in the clothing quite dramatically.

I have been pretty quiet. Mostly, I went through a pretty sever bout of depression. I had intense love-like feelings for a person, which soon turned into intense my-heart-is-broken-and-I really-don’t-want-to-talk-with-anyone, my mother fell very ill and I have been worried sick about her, then I felt lonely (so I subscribed to that unhealthy friends-with-benefits) and moving to a new places has been great, but I’ve needed to find my own routines again. I think there were a few weeks of binging there, too. Helloooooo dairy queen! Hello 10 lbs weight gain! In general, I’ve just needed my own time to explore new things, get my mind off of the old, and let go. I’ve needed to gather up some energy to get pumped up about losing weight again!

So, my GF Kelly and I have started up our hiking again, I’ve been running, and going to the gym for the past few weeks pretty intensely.  It’s definitely over with my fwb’s, and I haven’t even talked with my ex-boyfriends.  There’s just room for new things, and more room for me.

I downloaded this weight-loss simulator, and I have been following my food intake based on what it was suggesting. So far, I’m staying right on track, and it helps me stay motivated to keep going. I want to see how accurately it can predict my weight-loss based on my calorie intake. Although, I made the chart for someone that is sedentary, I’ve had to work-out a lot to get to the numbers!!!

I keep going out on runs. I keep getting lost in the damn suburbs! It’s actually quite fun. I’ve decided that every time I get lost (which, after two months, you’d think I know not to get lost 0.2 miles from home), I just have to run until I get to where I was planning on.  That… and I am pretty excited to be on track again. I hope this renewed gusto sticks with me more than a few weeks!

Change of Plans

Let’s not talk about the baseball game. I’m relatively irritated about that still. I really wish some people didn’t have the knack of making me feel like a second class citizen.

While we’re at it. I’d like to tell my 7th grade gym teacher to go fuck herself, because I got an F for running a mile in 12 minutes. Apparently, I should have accomplished this in about 8 minutes for an A.  At the fucking 7th grade, nonetheless! Well, no wonder I hated running so much. My teacher was a jerk, and so were a lot of my classmates.  Today, I am proudly reporting that I ran a mile in 12 minutes. I felt like I was gliding on the pavement, and it felt so amazing. I wasn’t just trying to keep slow enough pace that I could make a  certain amount of minutes. No, I was just running at a fast pace (for me) until I just couldn’t any longer. Granted, not the longest ever distance, but it was real running!!!

And the scale was at 289.4 lbs this morning. Two days in a row under 290 lbs. That in itself is a feat worth celebrating with more exercise! I will yet become a goddess of some kind. Maybe just of my own internet blog, but this self-improving does feel good, and it makes me happier. It almost makes me forget the  social fiascoes of the day [insert loads of grrrrrrh here].

But, since I didn’t do anything social today, I got the run in, and I got my walking in at work for the two breaks that I was planning on. I now hope that I will manage to get up early enough to go hike in the morning, and the pack most of the day. Who knows, maybe end of next week, the scale will be 288, and then I am yet another pound closer to my goal.

(Although, I’d like my belly circumference measurements go down as well. Those haven’t budged in 2 months).

 

And since I ran, I may also feel like I’m not full of energy and get some sleep.

Whimsical and Determined

Oh, god. I’ve been avoiding the date from the weekend all week at work, but he somehow creeps up and manages to spend 15 minutes here and there with me.  Today, he joined me on my twice daily walk at work, laughing at little stories about my wild teenage years.  I think it’s pretty obvious from the amount of people that stop by at my work station, that I talk to entirely too many people. My (ex) work affair, let’s call him Mr. R from here on out, has been coming to talk to me a few times a day, and disrupting my work, mind you. Now that he’s not hiding our affair (since there’s nothing to hide), he feels like he can just talk with me. Great. I don’t mind being friends.

What I mind is that I said yes when he suggested we’d go to a baseball game tomorrow, since he won tickets to it. I’ll be going there with him and his best friend, and the best friend’s wife.  I am leaving my car at his place, and we’re taking one car. What does that mean? That means I really have to be careful tomorrow as to what I put in my mouth, and keep my alcoholic beverages to a minimum, and be ready to hike at 8:30 am Saturday (I need to remember to take my camera!!).  And I suppose I’m going to a metal concert with Mr. R. in July. Oh, the plot thickens… This “being just friends” is going to be very interesting. I’ve kept things so platonic and casual, that he seems to want to be around me unusually lot as not friends.

So, that’s two days of not working out for me. Tonight, I didn’t do anything. My upper body is too tired from lifting weights Tuesday. My foot is in no working order to go run or do a heavy cardio like I did yesterday. I did work out three days in a row. I wasn’t exactly planning on taking Friday off, but if I walk during lunch and one of my breaks, that will add a little activity. I do have my hike with Kelly to look forward to on Saturday. And you know what’s really nice? (Well, of course you don’t. I haven’t told you yet.) I really have been feeling restless all day, because I want to do something, but I know better than to exert myself. I need the rest with as little as I’ve been eating (~1500 kcal/ day) That, and I weighed under 290 lbs today first time in two years!!! Yay!  I am right on par with my goal to lose 2 lbs every week this summer, and then maybe take a small break. Or at least lose 20 lbs. Or you know, be slimmer.

Bummed foot = NOT A PROBLEM
Social Life = Working around it

Sesamoid! My new favorite cussword

I have either fractured my sesamoid bone on my left foot, or I’ve just managed to bruise it rather painfully. Either way, I am not capable of of running for the next couple of weeks until that heals up properly. Meanwhile, I have the following options:

1. Take my bike to the bike shop and get it fixed (moving is siphoning my bank account)
2. Ride my boring spare bike
3. Not do anything at all
4. Continue walking at breaks at work despite of the scorching weather
5. Go to the gym and use the elliptical
6. Lift some weights for the upper body
7. Show the world my lumps and swim

I’m saying no to #3. That’s right. I am not giving up. Weekend was a bit tough, I drank the entire weekend myself to oblivion (thanks to mom’s cancer news).  But, Monday, I started to feel guilty about my selfish feelings and self-punishment, and decided that I deserved to feel good. Mom did say that she still wants to go to Barcelona with me. I need to make it happen.  I also need to start saving up to my LA trip, this time seriously. I need my passport, so I can either see mom in Finland or in Spain. I don’t care which. I need to see my family.

And today, I talked with Miss M on the work communicator. She’s skinny as it gets and very active, and she says that I am doing so well with everything. I may not be losing a lot right now, but I am consistently working toward my goals, and it’s showing.  She is such a good motivator. Well, the past month is showing. I’m now where I was before I decided on that stupid affair that has been no good for me. Him and I are now just friends, and it’s so much less stressful and distracting this way. I get to flirt a little, but I don’t feel attached at all. Now, he actually comes to talk to me at work and we don’t have to avoid each other in order to cover up for what really is going on.

Some different boy from work asked me out. I feel guilty about even saying yes. Now, I’ve been avoiding him at work like plague.  I have never even flirted with him. Oh god… I talked with a married co-worker of mine, and he just said that men just appear to get really attached to me really quickly — far quicker than I make that sort of bonds.

I just have issues. =D

Like loads of them. Like I should have a protein shake and blueberries since I just worked out, and tape up my foot a little better. Oh, and watch Game of Thrones.

I am turning in to an activity monster

Well, looks like my quest to be active has been going better than I expected.  We can partially thank Facebook for that. Some of my friends I’ve spent less time with are now turning into friends to do more things with since we’ve realized we have so many common interests and goals: Disc golfing, running, hiking, tennis,  being nerds, and biking. It’s great! Not only do I get to be active, but I get to do this with people I really like!

I am a little bummed out I forgot my camera when Kelly and I went to hike up the Table Rock (elevation: 3658 ft ( 1115 m)). Not sure what the base elevation is exactly, but Boise has an  approximate elevation of 2,730 ft (850 m). It was tough! Took Kelly and I an hour and half, and my calves and thighs are sore now. According to this Bodybugg, I didn’t actually burn more calories per minute than I do when I walk typically, but the hike up the hill was definitely more of a resistance workout, and I was running out of breath.

The nice thing in Boise is that people are super friendly and sweet, and it’s not atypical for strangers  to joke around a bit on the trail when you pass them. That already makes walking on the trails nice, but it helped that I had someone to keep me accountable, so I couldn’t very well just quit half way up.

I’ll try to take my camera with me next time, but here’s a picture I am liberally using from this lovely blog. You should check it out. There are several reasons I’ve fallen in love with Boise over the years, and this view is one of them.

And today, I did some disc golf at the park. That took a lot of energy, but I felt really like I needed to do something else all day, so I went to do some of my speed work with running a bit ago. All in all, I had a really active weekend, and I look forward to being this active, if not even more, all summer long.

I even told my guest-to-be-of-10-days that I am hoping we can spend as much time outdoors as possible while he is here. Even if he hates the outdoors, and loves nothing as much as A/C, I need to be out. Thankfully, he seemed to be more OK with it than I expected.

Affairs are no good

When you do things that allow you to feel like you aren’t loved properly, it trickles down to everything else you do.  That includes exercise. Apparently, in order to spend some quality in-between-the-sheets time with a man, I compromised my health, and my mental focus on the things that matter, and I allowed it to compromise how people treat me. This is not good.

I have felt that I am really just casual fun, and I that’s just not the way anyone should have to feel. I am not good enough unless it’s on their terms. Well fuck that! I am good enough as I am. So, the past week and a half I’ve been back to eating well. I’m again employing the good ol’ bodybugg to help me to calibrate my eating, and I’ve lost 2 lbs this week. I have no idea about last week. It scared me enough when the scale said 303 lbs. I am as of this morning 295 lbs, but my circumference measurements are up from what they were last time  I hit this number.

So, two more weeks to undo the damage I did feeling sorry for myself, being lazy, spending time in someone’s bed and adjusting to his super unhealthy lifestyle (he is morbidly obese, doesn’t like to exercise, has no interest in being healthier, and loves to cook fatty — and feed me, too).  This is not acceptable though. I view myself as an active person, and I had sort of a non-scale victory the other night — my friends are now afraid I beat them in exercise!

I’ve employed my friends to do more active things with me like frisbee golf, tennis, and biking. I get my exercise in, and I get to hang out with people! I have to say that it’s great, except I sorta miss my alone time! That’s what running is for. I’m not sharing that with anyone.
It’s remarkably difficult to run 3 miles when you haven’t exercise at all for 3 weeks. I’m back to being able to do so, but it took me a week to not die doing cardio! Horrible. So, I started a new program for 13 weeks that should improve my running speed, and I am looking forward to finishing this.  Or getting at least close to finishing it.

I am looking at two hurdles though:

(a) My ex-boyfriend is going to visit me for 10 days in July to help me move and to hang out. Nothing will happen, we’re just best of friends, but he likes to be unhealthy… I need to try to figure out how to get my exercise in, and not eat too much food.

(b) I’m moving July 1st, as mentioned. That will throw off my running, going to the gym, and daily rhythm a bit. I need to be able to get back to a routine of some kind better.

Hurdles. Hurdles. Hurdles. Nothing I don’t feel like I can’t overcome. I just need to stop wanting so much human attention from people that aren’t good for me, and don’t genuinely care for me, or take it so personally if one person out of every 20 is a poop toward me.

 

I’m also thinking I’ll need to start saving up for bariatric surgery now.  Once I hit 180 lbs, from what I’ve read, I may actually need it.

 

 

One Pound at a Time

I finally did it — I ran 3 miles Monday.  Mind you, the pavement decided all of a sudden snatch my foot, and then push me on the pavement mid-stride. Grrh. I would have tried to beat it up, but it had already gotten my knee and my palm pretty harshly. Besides, it knocked the wind out of my lungs, and that is never a good feeling. Aren’t these massive chesticles supposed to prevent that sort of a thing? What good are they if not soften the landing…

And today, I ended up running on the treadmill for a few minutes, mostly to warm up for my circuits. Nothing massive. In fact, I feel kind of silly that I am muscle-wise still “out of shape” in my own standards. I’m pretty strong, but not nearly as strong as I used to.  I do need to get to the gym more frequently for the weight-lifting. I decided to take advantage for the fact that I slept all afternoon after work, and that there were no women in the women’s workout room at Gold’s. I had aaaaaaall the machine for myself. Usually I work alongside with the men, but doing things that I find a little girlyish, like circuits, I appreciated the solitude.

Circuit (repeat x 3, no rest between exercises):

• 1 min on treadmill for 8 mph
• 15 rows at a machine at 145 lbs
• 15 push-ups, feet on a stability ball
• 15 leg raises off a bench, lifting butt at the top of the movement
• 15 combined dumbell bicep curls and shoulder presses at 20 lbs
• 15  tricep extensions, one arm at a time, 15 lbs (eeeeek, weak…)

That was about 35 minutes

I’d post pictures about my bruise, and my amazing 10 minute turkey burger/sandwich that I came up with, but my camera is apparently out of batteries. Just be aware that I was thinking of you, and I knew you really wanted to see my battle wounds while you drooled.

As far as the title of the post –  I feel exactly that. I’m working toward my goals one pound at a time. I feel at ease. I don’t feel pressured to be skinnier, I don’t feel bad about working out. I feel like I am consistently making efforts to a better, healthier me, and I am not frustrated or impatient about this.  One pound at a time. I also made a goal that I’d lose 45 lbs by my birthday. That means, next December I ought to be  just under 250 lbs. I had better have some killer booty by then, though. that’s 8 months away. With this rate, who knows, I may get there faster. I may not.  But oh my god… That would mean I’d be only 70 lbs from my goal weight, instead of this 110 lbs.

Brink of obesity… we are saying bye bye to you sooner or later

So, my weekend was so full of exercise…

When life gives you a nice sushi dinner and six alcoholic beverages, I spend the next day paying homage to the porcelain God. So, I definitely got my involuntary stomach exercise in today. I also think curling into a ball and getting up from the bath tub to sit up to throw up counts as cardio.

I considered going out and enjoying the nice weather, but frankly, I am still feeling very squeezy. I also met an amazingly handsome man 5 minutes ago from Craigslist at our place: mainly, he was here to buy my roommate’s great pyrenese. The bastard is married. But oh, was he nice and talking to me. I am excited that the dog isn’t here, either. Between that and the Bin Laden news, today has been pretty fucking awesome despite of the major barf-fest.

I have some fantastic plans to eat healthy tomorrow AND exercising. I am craving my exercise. I am not feeling emotionally so all over the place (so accomplishing that should be easier), after my lovely work affair buddy so unkindly reminded me that he’s not ready for anything serious. He says I make such an awesome friend with benefits. Wait. He wants to make sure that I know I am more than a fuck buddy. So, we act as if we date, but we have no extra tender feelings for each other, other than I find myself oddly jealous at times. This may start working for me eventually. I need to adjust my schedule a little, and get more exercise in, though. And none of this drinking. I lost out on a possibly nice sleep over for the mere fact that at midnight, I ended up throwing up at the club restroom… rather an unusual experience that I am not used to.

But the bouncers were very handsome, too. Maybe they like fat chicks on their knees in restroom stalls.

I ran into this crazy stuff about hCG diet online, too. After a lady I was out with on Saturday said she lost 8 lbs in a week just using it.  I was proud of myself for not interrupting her too much. She didn’t want to hear how dangerous the diet was (which I suspected it was). So, essentially the diet is supposed to get rid of the fat in the “hard to lose areas” that even I am having issues with by using women’s pregnancy hormone. Well, after some reading, I am thinking that this diet just maybe one of the most dangerous ones out there, with no support from FDA or real research. Placebo has been proven to be as efficient. Truly, if you are eating Atkins-type diet for 500 kcal/day, I am pretty certain that you will lose some weight. It still doesn’t equal a lifestyle change, and that means the pounds will come packing on, because you’re not dealing with the issues that got you fat in the first place.

I really just have been too social, and not have enough time to concentrate on me.  I need to scale down my week a bit, and spend time with people that matter. I really am having a hard time not being a social whore.  Hah…
I got a new hair cut with some side-swept bangs:

Hello, World.

It’s spring, and I’m being emotional. It is so strange to feel this much things from one extreme to the other. I went a little on the deep end side on my “couple of days off from dieting”, but it appears that I am relatively back in track again. At least, I was counting calories today, and it felt good. I feel like it is the only thing keeping me balanced, when I am going through this strange healing process.

Really, I’ve experienced a sudden flush of feelings go through me. I’ve been empathetic to other people’s feelings in a way I haven’t in a long while. I feel the pain of others when they are hurt. I hurt for them. I just need some time to adjust to that. My thoughts are pretty unfocused, so yesterday, when I ran 2 miles, I didn’t even notice I had gone 1.5 miles until it hit me that I had just ran the whole time, without even thinking about it — I was thinking about everything else.

So, this is all good and dandy. I need to make sure I get a run in Friday (tomorrow is going to be too busy). I’ve been way too social the past two weeks, too, and so my exercise regime has suffered greatly by it. Today, I could have gone and done something, but I am hurting, thanks to my miserable set of ovaries. If I didn’t want babies on of these eons, I would just have them take the crap out of me.

I got my promotion at work officially. I need to take care of that paperwork, too. I haven’t even thought about it in a few days. I have been too focused on getting the next big, actual real paycheck. There are so many things that I can take care of now, one thing at a time. Then, I hope that by December, I can move out of here to live by myself again.

Or maybe I’ll fall in love with a man that is as crazy about me as I am about him.

Well, my work affair is going nicely, I guess. It’s just a little complicated, as I knew it was going to be. It allows me to get some of the things that I have been craving for, but it’s definitely contributing to my current state of mind (and heart!). He’s not that emotionally invested in me, as he is still healing from a heart break, and I am not in love with him. I still crave him deeply, and feel more connected to him than I do with any other person at the moment. I want to just cuddle and not talk, I want someone to hold me, and be comfortable with. Being with him, accomplishes that.

And I suppose it was cute when he got madly jealous when a new guy at work was hitting on me hardcore. Who knows what happens with this. If it doesn’t work out again, I’m going to break my heart. I know this, and I am kind of OK with that. I just need to stay focused on my health, though. I am still excited that I’ve lost almost 50 lbs, even if I’ve not done any progress for a little bit. I feel like I haven’t given up, and I’ve made great lifestyle changes despite that I am not actively dropping weight at the moment.

Post Script

Well, I’ve danced a lot, eaten loads of ice cream, and other lovely things. I am going to eat and exercise like a healthy bunny tomorrow.