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Hyper Horror

What on earth is wrong with me? I have said the dumbest things all day and I have not been able to contain myself. I am acting like a 12-year old girl on speed, rather than the 27 year old professional adult that I am occasionally pretend to be.  It’s not even that I’ve just giggled and been silly. I am perfectly fine with that. You know those awkward socially inept people that say some awkward things, they have a verbal diarrhea and stop any conversation several times, and people just say out loud “What?” and not because they didn’t hear. Yeah. That’s me.

Also, I’ve felt awkward around my friends. I haven’t really talked to them anything about my weight-loss journey, but when I did mention that I was really proud of my yesterday’s run, they simply just looked at me like I was a complete idiot. When I talked at all, I felt like anything I had to say was just not of any interest to anyone else. This is not usual. Maybe I am just so tired from all this overtime I’ve been working that I can’t even read social clues correctly – or maybe it is time to find friends that find me interesting, and people that inspire me to do things.

I would love to go dancing. I am still a bit body conscious about it.  Well, today would have been great. I’ve had so much of this strange energy to waste. I am like those little kids that are tired – cranky and hyper at the same time. I really wish there was some in-between. Perhaps part of it is that I started my periods again today. This dieting is definitely affecting me in a lot of ways.  Some good, some bad. And you know what… the only thing I can think of is that I want to be in love. I want to be with a person that would understand and love me, and I don’t know a single (unit of measure men; one) man that even comes near that category – or any single (not dating currently) men that would come near me. Hah!

No, I am not being defeatist. I know fat isn’t that attractive. People in America forgive a little chubbiness. Canada and Europe are far less forgiving than where I live, but even here, being severely overweight is a cumbersome. You are instantly shoved into the “friend” category when you’re not pleasing to the eye, and the ones that do find me attractive… well, let’s just say that I can probably find some more eligible handsome men under bridges, hiding their brown paper bags.

Well, at least I’ve been eating like an angel.


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