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I feel like a washed up old alcoholic

I have been binging the past two days. I’ve been drinking my brains out, shoved food in my face like all the food on the planet may run out any moment now. I see garbage all around me. Empty pizza boxes, boxes that used to contain Swedish Fish, mini cinnamon rolls, white bread,  rolls of all kinds. I have consumed over $30 in groceries within two days – it’s been all garbage. And help me lord, I have not been able to stop. I feel like an alcoholic. Like a hurt, failed, miserable case of a human being. I feel like the eating disorders I have lived with most of my life have won.

I am home eating, gorging on foods that I know aren’t good for me. I have consumed calories at least to warrant a +3 lbs weight gain within the past 24 hours. I haven’t been able to stop. I feel like a maniac, struggling with myself, feeling guilty. Feeling like I cannot control myself. I woke up this morning wanting to. I lost within the first 2 hours.  I feel helpless. I missed going to see a new place to live at (and didn’t notify anyone). I am currently missing my friend’s going away party, and I wish I was able to be there, but I am home. Feeling utterly incapable of any social functions.

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal.

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2 responses

  1. danielleburger

    Don’t worry, you are normal! This happens to everyone sometimes… when you work so hard and deny yourself for so long eventually you just crack. But it gets easier. Even if you have to FORCE yourself… put on some make-up, put on your favorite outfit and make yourself go out and have fun. It will take your mind off the food. I have a huge urge to binge whenever anything bad happens, when I’m bored or when I feel like I haven’t had anything unhealthy in a while. It’s so hard to fight off, I know, but you can totally do it because you are NOT any of those things you think about yourself. I have faith in you! =) Now stop reading this, clean up all that food garbage, and go outside and take your mind off of all of this if you can! (And I think you can!) One setback doesn’t mean it’s all over, you can fix this! Good luck, I’m here reading and cheering you on!
    xoxo
    D

    October 17, 2010 at 4:45 am

    • Aww. Thank you. My weekend was crazy. I’ve been back on track the past two days 🙂 Yaaay for that. Now, I just gotta fix the lack of sleep.

      October 20, 2010 at 11:24 pm

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