First the good news! Well yay for me! I have eaten out all day! McDonald’s (1 Egg McMuffin), Jack-in-the-box (a Chicken Fajita Pita with a side salad), a trendy downtown restaurant for dinner (Trout with Balsamic reduction and capers). I’ve still managed to eat less than 2000 kcal, even when you factor in the rum and coke I had, too. I knew what I had ahead of me today, and I was prepared for it. I did better than I expected!
It was interesting. I parked all the way to the other side of downtown to go to dinner and then to a concert, where my friend’s band played one of their first ever bigger gigs. I didn’t even really think about it. All of a sudden not parking two blocks away where I was going was not a big deal at all! Although, I was probably distracted in my thinking; I was psyched about my Alpine Skiing Season Pass that I got for Christmas/ Birthday present!!! Sounds like this winter is going to be full of activities!!
The second half of my blog… Well, this is a little less about weight-loss, and more about my need to vent about a particular friendship in particular.
I had a lovely day today. People I have been mad at, I no longer feel such anger toward. I don’t even know why I sometimes do. I had to look back a bit about the people in my life, and their role in my life. I suppose especially a particular co-worker has been bothering me lately. He is completely opposite of me when it comes to our religious and political views. He has taken lately a role of snapping at me for no apparent reason for whatever, but expects me to listen to these heart-felt rants about his divorce and the girls he has crushes on. I mean, he is a gentleman when it comes to women, except he can be incredibly rude to me. Some of it is just the silly banter that made us friends in the first place, but lately there have been elements of almost hostility.
He is very judgmental toward people, and he is always right. Alright, so, I am a bit the same way, just in a very liberal sense. I think that people who are that stuffy, are the ones that need a bit of a shaking. However, I really have not spent time judging him – he is and has been my friend. He can live his life however he wants to, and find a woman that shares his very fundamental Christian values. However, I feel like I am being judged almost constantly. If I decide to share about something I feel, I get usually a reply along the lines of “I see” or complete disinterest in whatever I may have been talking about. It’s almost a change in mood. He decided to send almost abusive emails to me and our administrative assistant, after he found out we were going to get rid of disposable utensils and dishes, and getting real ones instead. We did that so we could go from crappy coffee everyone hated to that fantastic Keurig (far more expensive), and give a TLC style make-over to our break room. I had to finally told him that if he was so concerned of the problems we were going to face with the break room changes (all completely bogus – the changes have been a huge hit!), then I certainly hoped he wasn’t going to add to any of the problems that he had listed. Well, obviously, he got mad that I called him out on the numerous angry emails he sent out.
Every change we have tried to make at work, he has been dead set against. Well, he has lost. But it has gotten more personal. The other week somehow the conversation turned to about right and wrong, and he said if rape was ever a good thing. I told him that actually yes, it taught me a lot of things. He freaked out and seemed to admonish me for ever having been raped almost. Telling me how terrible that must have been. I told him I wasn’t traumatized by it. I am just fine. He told me that anyone that gets raped must be traumatized. Somehow, in his world, people can only behave and feel in a preconceived ways. I was actually rather upset that he demeaned my experience by telling me how I am feeling about something that clearly happened to just me. He doesn’t have to agree with what I think of rape (ok, I do think it’s wrong. I hope it doesn’t happen to anyone – but I know so many women that have been molested one way or another, or raped at some point in their lives. Almost all the women I know, in fact). But the thing is, I am saying that I am glad it happened to me, because I had to evaluate the people in my life and my behavior- and I did it for the better! And I am stronger for it, and I forgave the man who did it. I would never talk to him again, but it’s definitely water under a very long ago forgotten bridge.
Two days ago he wanted to make a comic strip (he is a brilliant artist) for a work related publishing that I am in charge of — just that he wanted the topic to be the aforementioned break room. He wanted my character in one of the panels to say that “… and which is why the company has chosen to spend money on things that make things even worse.” I told him over the work IM that I was okay with him publishing the comic and poking fun of me even, as long as that sentence was modified to be more company friendly. I don’t need to lose my job over something that petty, and neither does he. He got angry at me (like every time I’ve had to give him any critique about his art work, like using cuss words) and said that he wasn’t going to “prostitute his comic just to make the company happy.” I thought it was a bit juvenile. The particular comment wasn’t even a driving force of a the dialogue. I didn’t even bother to reply.
I think it was after this I realized that I couldn’t please my co-worker. I am not trying to particularly please anyone, but I felt like I am not accepted as myself. Today, I was asking another co-workers where someone else where a guy I had a dalliance with (no one really knows about that) was. I hadn’t seen him for a few weeks. The someone else told me that he had been sick. I asked with what. I think that’s normal human behavior to be curious. Then my co-worker I have been ranting about chimed in to say that “Well, I didn’t realize you were such a gossip. If he wanted to know, I’m sure he’d tell you.” So really, I was annoyed, so I replied to him overly gingerly: “Well, now you know, I love gossip”, and then I turned back to the other co-worker and said: “So, what is he sick with?”
I like my co-worker. He’s a nice person to most people. He’s polite usually to most people. I don’t like this personal attitude he has taken with me as of late. I really just kind of took a few steps back today to think about the relationship I have with him, what I can do to make it better, and as flawed as a human being I am, there are people that love me unconditionally and I don’t have to put so much effort into behaving in a certain way. I came to the conclusion that I deserve people that are not only interested in talking to me about their problems (happens plenty), but taking an active interest in my life. I shouldn’t have to feel like I am making a vain effort in a friendship that is more of a one-way stream rather than a give and take. I am going to stop communicating with him so much and just concentrate on people that I already have, and the ones that have potential to be my friends. I think that’s for the best.