A bit down on the dumps
Ok. New goal: end of January… 300 lbs. What a struggled this is. Maybe I am not ready to date people. The two men I did see quite a bit, I told Mr. M I am not interested in him, and Mr. L… Oh, it was just fizzling after the first week. I was yawning and bored out of my mind around him. Yet, I felt like I wanted to stick around to just be near someone. Holidays and all. I think he realized that I am not as interested in him, and we parted ways a few days ago. I am not upset about that. I am upset and sad that it doesn’t seem like I can find what I want and need.
But, I also realize that I am doing myself a disservice trying to date people while I am on my journey to recovery are good for me. Outch.
Well, Christmas is coming and that’s depressing in and of itself. I try so hard every year to not get down about the holidays, but it doesn’t seem to work out so well. The closer it is to Christmas, the sadder and more morose I get. I have nothing here. I dream about going back home to my family, but I realize I have nothing left there either. I feel awfully alone. It’s that bone-chilling coldness that settles inside of you, and no matter who is around you, you don’t feel warm. You feel cold, isolated, and even lonely around people. I wish there was someone I could curl up with. That’s the thing… I want to be close and loved.
Anyway, here’s a happier picture from my birthday. I am starting to look old. 🙂