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A bit down on the dumps

Ok. New goal: end of January… 300 lbs.  What a struggled this is.  Maybe I am not ready to date people. The two men I did see quite a bit, I told Mr. M I am not interested in him, and Mr. L… Oh, it was just fizzling after the first week. I was yawning and bored out of my mind around him. Yet, I felt like I wanted to stick around to just be near someone. Holidays and all.   I think he realized that I am not as interested in him, and we parted ways a few days ago. I am not upset about that. I am upset and sad that it doesn’t seem like I can find what I want and need.

But, I also realize that I am doing myself a disservice trying to date people while I am on my journey to recovery are good for me.  Outch.

Well, Christmas is coming and that’s depressing in and of itself. I try so hard every year to not get down about the holidays, but it doesn’t seem to work out so well. The closer it is to Christmas, the sadder and more morose I get. I have nothing here. I dream about going back home to my family, but I realize I have nothing left there either. I feel awfully alone.  It’s that bone-chilling coldness that settles inside of you, and no matter who is around you, you don’t feel warm. You feel cold, isolated, and even lonely around people. I wish there was someone I could curl up with.  That’s the thing… I want to be close and loved.

Anyway, here’s a happier picture from my birthday.  I am starting to look old. 🙂

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5 responses

  1. danielleburger

    Awe, it makes me sad that the holidays are so sad for you! I hope that something can cheer them up! It sucks that things didn’t work out with either of those guys! I totally believe that you can balance relationships and weight loss, but I definitely think that it requires being open and honest about your goals and finding someone who can help you achieve those goals and support you! I hope you cheer up soon hun!

    xoxo
    D

    PS. You’re so pretty! I love your hair!

    December 19, 2010 at 3:59 am

  2. Thank you. 🙂 I love vintage hair, and although I am entirely too lazy to sport it day to day, I sometimes love to doll up a little bit.

    I think you have a point about finding someone that is able to help me to achieve my goals and support me. However, I don’t think it’s a good thing for me to push for it at the moment so hard. I just need to focus on me a little bit more, because it seems like these little “disappointments” in dating always end up in a few days of donuts and chocolate. Ha ha.

    I am doing so much better at that, though! I feel like I am making progress even if it’s been abysmally slow lately. Maintaining in itself is a feat for me, because I would gain weight so quickly usually. As long as I have a mind-set that I am trying to live healthy, eat healthier, and have a better life style, I think that I am still going to the right direction.

    I guess it’s nice to know I’m alive enough to feel sensitive to life and situations again, without compensating my emotions with eating (too much at least).

    I love that you are so upbeat and encouraging. Your comment made me smile 🙂

    December 19, 2010 at 4:38 am

  3. O M G .. I luv love ❤ your photo. Totally adorable you are! I'm all about vintage hair too:
    http://365gratitude.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/meforbio.jpg?w=220&h=300

    I am at an impasse much like you are; albeit I'm married. But the more I further myself on my journey of healing, self awareness, and growth, the more I find that I'm passing my husband. I know yours is dating, holidays and feeling alone.. but mine.. I'm with someone and still feel alone.

    Hang in there, your goals will be met… your dreams will be revealed .. and obtaining both will be a breeze.

    December 20, 2010 at 6:43 pm

  4. How cute! of you 🙂

    I understand all too well that feeling of being all alone in marriage — I’ve tried that, too. After five years of being married, my ex husband and I went to New York to a trip. We hardly spoke during that week, although that was supposed to “Salvage” our marriage. I enjoyed all the places we went to, just not being with him.

    I don’t know a magic cure for that “feeling alone” part. Do you guys do do things together? Talk to each other openly how you are feeling? How do you communicate?

    I think a big part of my relationship failing was that we were both incapable of communicating with each other after so long. Our arguments were along the lines of;
    – Hey, could you fold the laundry?
    – Well, you never do anything here anyway, so why should I?
    – I am right now, can you help me? At least I’m trying.
    – Don’t snap at me!
    – You snapped at me first!
    – Screw you

    Very adult. Very very very very adult. It doesn’t matter which one said and what. That’s how our last year was. Needless to say, I grew up a lot, and learned to communicate like a civilized adult once I divorced.

    And by all means, I am not saying you should or shouldn’t divorce, or your marriage is anything like mine was. I just understand the loneliness. I understand what it is to grow, and the person with you is not on the same path with you — nor do they want to be.

    *hugs*

    Seriously, I’ve read your journal and I just see an incredible amount of strength in you. Through all those struggles… You are incredibly strong. I think you are amazing.

    December 20, 2010 at 7:06 pm

  5. We communicate well, actually….surprisingly. I believe it’s because we were friends for ten years before we even started dating. He’s just stagnant… I’m growing, changing, learning and healing. He’s even made the comment, “I’m worried you’re going to lose all this weight, get healthy, and leave me behind. I’m worried you’re going to change.”

    Well, odds are I will change; according to my counselor most couples go through this. So, in this avenue of self focus, he’s kind of getting left behind.

    I thank you greatly, for seeing strength in me… I don’t see it.. yet.
    I thank you moreso for thinking I’m amazing… I’m still learning to wrap my head around that one too.

    December 20, 2010 at 7:53 pm

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