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Beating ’em cravings!

Approx 307 lbs. I didn’t check today, and here’s why: I had a terrible day yesterday, and I really do not need to be depressed about how things are.  The whole day today has gone in some sort of recovery mode. I have been battling against my brain and thoughts that have been telling me things like “Oh, melted cheese would be delicious. How about that Hawaiian Blizzard from Dairy Queen? One donut wouldn’t hurt? You can buy four of them. Just eat one…” However, I need to acknowledge that I do have to get back on track, and stay motivated (and I am).  I realize a lot of this is whining, but it feels cathartic to be able to express myself at least in the blog format.

I beat it. It was all I could do to stop myself from continuing this horrible binging mode. I don’t need the garbage. I don’t.  So, while I was driving from work, my hands-shaking, and my mind fragile with the thought of fast food, doughnuts, and pizza, something finally snapped. I said to myself: “stop”. I don’t how I was able to do it. It was a struggle. I went grocery shopping, and I just had to keep telling myself “no” on every isle that contained something  disgusting, and eventually, after half a day of feeling this way, the craving subsided.

I had done so well for two weeks. I ate well,  I exercised. Even these 12-hour days at work didn’t keep me from working out.  Then Saturday, I just kinda had the money, so I bought McDonald’s Egg McMuffin on my way to work (300 kcal. Not that bad). Three hours later, I went to buy a bagel (about 750 kcal with all the toppings).  I was stuffed at that point, but my friend asked me if I wanted to get some Mexican food with him… needless to say, I had a full plate of tamales, rice, and tacos. Then I went to Dairy Queen and got myself a small blizzard.  I napped. I didn’t feel like exercising a single bit. I got up just to be a glutton some more. Think a Newcastle Brown Ale with four apple turnovers.

I understand I have a problem with eating. I know I have BED, and when it kicks in, I go weeks, even months, just stuffing food in my mouth. The sad part is that I am so obsessed with food, that I know better than most “heatlhy” people what their foods contain, what kinds of proteins they should be eating at what times to optimize their weight-loss and exercise. I can design a balanced diet in no time, and estimate food intake to a ridiculous accuracy (my favorite thing to do watching the Biggest Loser: guess how many calories certain foods are before the contestant. I usually get within 20 kcal range).

I thought about joining Overeaters Anonymous, but it’s intimidating that these meeting are occuring in churches. It’s also intimidating they only list phone numbers for contacts. I don’t feel comfortable being that social when I’m facing my biggest issue since I’ve been a child: I have battled binge eating disorder since my childhood. I wish I could just stop. I really do. I’m trying.

I realize I am always feeling like I need to “fix me”… It’s a little vexing. It’s hard to think that anyone can care about me as I am, that I can be loved as what I am now, rather than what I could be. I’ve managed to come a long way since my childhood and all the abuse I’ve gone through, but there’s still a lot of work I need to do with myself.

I’m so uncomfortable with people that are warm, and giving emotionally. I usually tend to gravitate toward people that don’t care about me that much, because they are dismissive. I suppose in a way, I am still having a hard time forming warm, close relationships with people. But, I am trying… more or less.

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