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It all started with peanut butter

I have a jar of peanut butter in my car. I was hungry, and I opened the cap of the jar when I was happily driving myself from work to play games at the university. I managed to talk myself out of McD’s drive-through window, although I think that may have been even a better option. My finger scooped up a little peanut butter. Then a little more, and I think I had about 500 kcal before I finally forced the lid back on the container. I drove another 2 miles. I mindlessly opened the jar up again. It was lost.

Food court at the University just opened chic-a-filet. I had chicken. I bought some pringles. I ate the whole thing by myself, and a couple of cup cakes. I wasn’t hungry at all by the time we were done with our boardgames, and I drove, mindlessly as ever, to the grocery store. I ended up with a big batch of macaroons. I ate a few, and felt disgusted. I have no idea how much I had consumed at that point, but I felt like I didn’t need to punish myself any further, and went to bed.

I woke up, and felt sick to my stomach. Feverish even. There were still macaroons right in front of my computer. I decided to eat every one of them. It didn’t even taste good. It wasn’t even pleasurable. I wasn’t hungry, and I didn’t want more, but I kept eating. One cookie after another.

And that’s where I am at right now. I feel disappointed that I’ve wasted one more week of good, clean eating, and exercise — and yet, I want to punish myself with food that I’m not really “Supposed to eat” like chinese, pizza…

I don’t understand this. Why do I have to feel this way again? I thought I was way further in my recovery of eating balanced meals. I don’t understand my binging. I wasn’t even emotional yesterday. I just wanted to eat. I try to tell myself that eating in moderation is better for me. I need to learn how to enjoy life, and eat a balanced life style. Yet, since October, I have struggled one week after another with motivation, and now that I finally found that, with binging!!!

I think it’s rather apt when people say that hardships and obstacles are there for us to try even harder, and show us how much we truly want something. Oh, I want this. I want that 290 lbs on the scale, the size smaller pants. I want to look in a whole body mirror and think that I am taller than I am wide. I want to feel healthy and strong, and know I didn’t waste the best time of my life buried under a mountain of lard.

I really think I should get in therapy for this. I would, if I could afford it, too.

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3 responses

  1. 😦 How I can relate.

    February 13, 2011 at 6:16 am

  2. As I sit, I’m currently 338

    February 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm

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