Please, just stop lying to yourself.
My heart breaks when I see some of my co-workers and close friends of mine being sinking into that obesity vortex. I don’t want anyone else to go through this. It’s taken all my might to stop thinking eating and being fat is okay. I am slowly realizing how debilitating a person’s size and physical condition is. I know changing my own habits is difficult, let alone try to support other people. Not only that, but here in America, we live in a culture where niceties are said regardless of the situation; it’s just not polite or okay in the social setting to be straight-forward and honest. For every person that defies the preconception of proper behavior, ten others chime in to make “people feel good.” It’s easy to drop those people from our social circles that question our choices, even criticize what we are doing — even if it’s out of love and not because of a mean spirit.
I went to see a play at the local theatre with a dear friend of mine. I love her, but even she admits she’s been gaining weight. I know she outweighs me now. What really worried me, was when the few hundred yards to walk to the theatre completely winded her. I just wish I could help. When she talked about it, and seemed a little embarrassed, I didn’t deny that she was out of shape. That wouldn’t have helped any. Instead, I said I would go walk with her. I don’t know what else to do. I want to be supportive, even if I know she has to do it all by herself.
So, I have to be my own worst critic, and ignore those people who say horrible things like “Oh, you look just fine the way you are” or “But you have a waistline”. It would be completely different if I was 110 lbs, and wasting away. I am over 300 lbs, and it is not okay for me to be this way. When I tipped the scale at 340 lbs, I had a difficult time finding chairs to sit on without the handles digging into my hips (or in close quarters, I was probably sitting partly on other people’s seats as well, taking their space!). It was difficult to tell where my waistline was, and admittedly, wiping my own butt had become an acrobatic event. Socially, even with such a moderate weight-loss, people respond better to me!
But, the bottom line is that I have to be honest with myself. If I’m not willing to see the truth of the matter, that I’m wasting away my health and life, then no one else is gonna give me those reality checks the way I need them. My family does, but they are across the Atlantic. They are unable to see my (un)progress. I no longer have a personal trainer either, so everyone else just either works with me, or just loves me as I am… I don’t see a lot of brutal honesty coming from that direction.
It’s been four days since I’ve binged. I know I haven’t recovered, but I feel good that I didn’t completely give in, either. I had a great cardio work-out yesterday, and today I lifted a great set. I also think my binging may have resulted from not eating enough calories. I’ve kept a consistent 1250-2000 kcal deficit, and of course, that means I’ve felt awfully hungry. I upped my calorie intake to 1800-1900 kcal/day, which means that even on my lazy “Hell YES my ass is a permanent fixture of my bed” days, I’m still having a 300 kcal deficit. On the days I do walk at work, and then work-out, I burn around 3000 – 3200 kcal (yay for bodybugg.com to make it all science). I’m not feeling nearly as hungry. I keep eating as clean as I can, and paying close attention to how much sugar I eat, and trying to be mindful about eating more protein, and having my veggies and fruits.
Today, I had (tons of eggs):
- 200 kcal – Plain Oatmeal
- 80 kcal – Egg
- 80 kcal – Coffee (mmm… Kona… mmm… Italian… and creamer)
- 80 kcal Egg
- 350 kcal – Pasta Alfredo with Peas
- 90 kcal – Apple
- 550 kcal – Home Made Turkey Burger on toasted whole wheat bread, egg, and cheese
- ~20 kcal – Skim Milk
Post Workout Late Night Dinner:
- 180 kcal – Yogurt
- 80 kcal – Egg
- 100 kcal – Banana
Total: 1810 kcal and full!!!