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Pep Talking to the Self

I have to keep telling myself that I deserve this. I am realizing that it is scaring me to lose weight past 300 lbs. I have taken comfort of feeling sorry for myself. I’ve felt like I don’t deserve good things for myself any longer, and that I can’t reach for the start after the horrible failures I had in my life over two years ago. I went from a loving relationship, being pretty healthy, owning a house, and making a lot of money to first being dumped, then my house robbed, to losing my job, to losing my home, to jobless, and semi-alcoholic.

I am getting my life back on track. I feel much more loved and cared about, but I don’t feel like I deserve any of this. I feel like any time someone judges me, or even notices me, I don’t deserve it.

I was at Torrid to buy some jeans from their sale. I grabbed a size 22 jeans for myself that are just half an inch too small for me on my upper thigh.  That means, in a couple of weeks, they should fit me fabulously. What do I do instead? I don’t go to the gym for a few days, I eat ice creams and burgers, and a few donuts, and I tell myself that “you do deserve to be thinner, healthier, and look good. You do deserve someone loving you if you want it… but right now, you feel bad, and you’re just going to sabotage yourself.”

I didn’t realize this journey had to be so emotional.

All these nice things that people say…  A guy from work told me that he thinks I’m pretty, intelligent, and compassionate. My bosses are piling more responsibilities on me, and one of them said that I’m just “building my own empire”. A random lady at Torrid said that my behind looked “ass-smacking good” in the jeans I tried on.  Some guy was flirting with me at a game night a few weeks ago.  And you know what? It makes me want to eat more, get back to where I was fatter and no one noticed me. I am not ready to be attractive, ready to be noticed. I am not feeling like I am ready or deserving any of this attention!

I got a lot of attention from men even though I was 250 lbs before. A lot!  I know I have a pretty face, and I can be a lot of fun when I am around people.  Somehow, I have kept wishing no one would notice that I am both losing weight and getting things together, until I am where I want to be. I guess it’s not going to be that way. I just need to spend some time this weekend to sort this through in my head. I didn’t realize I was holding onto so much of emotional baggage about this.

I shouldn’t have to feel guilty about who I am. I guess, I’m just glad I’m finally allowing myself to feel these emotions, instead of pretending like things are just fine. Why should I feel any less worthy than anyone else?





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