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Still Fat!

399.4 lbs. What do you even say to that? This is yet another rock bottom of my life? Another milestone in physical and mental failures manifesting my inability to conquer myself?  I have no words to describe how embarrassing it is to find myself where I am and how desperately I want to rediscover myself.


Can’t possibly be big compared to a humpback whale.

Except, this time it is harder than ever. I am 34, I have a family, and almost a two-year old, with whom I spend less time than I wish I did. My career is more demanding than ever and I less opportunities to move than I ever had due to it.  Sure. These are excuses. I need more discipline.

I established discipline poorly when I was single, younger, freer. When I had all those opportunities to learn that being in shape, being successful, has nothing to do with how motivated I am. How inspired I am. You do what you do because you need to. That’s with raising kids, working, and unfortunately for me, being healthy.

There’s a lot I can’t do right now. More about it below. It means, my first big push starts in the kitchen, and just doing things that I can that I don’t necessarily like, but I have to do because I can’t get to the fund things until I’ve suffered the boring a while.

I can’t do so I can some day in the future reflect back to this moment and remind myself of all the things I really want to be able to do again :

  • Ride a bike – my monster of a mountain bike is unable to carry my weight. The chain keeps snapping and the tires are so flat it’s almost like riding with a flat tire.
    • I love biking. I want to bike again, and I want to do that with my son. I think this is doable around 350-340 lbs.
  • Running – I tried. My knees cannot take this. I sprinted for about a week and I was unable to walk for almost a month.
    • I want to run again. I don’t love running, but I love the runner’s high after. I think I can start this once I hit around 320 lbs.
  • Lifting heavy –  I can barely chest press 35 lbs dumbbells.
    • I need to get back to 50 lbs chest presses. This is a good goal. I can start on this today.
  • Walking hurts. My knee hurts. I don’t feel like I am walking any longer. I feel like I am waddling and slower than ever.
    • Ugh. This one sucks. I am now one of those people I used to look at the store.
  • I have a double chin.
    • Gross. 300 lbs should do here.
  • Wiping my butt sucks.
    • 350 lbs where I won’t need to bend my back.
  • I can’t see my toes or down there.
    • I think 350 lbs should be fine here. Hooray for maintenance.
  • Putting  on shoes and socks is difficult – I thought this was terrible when I was 9 months pregnant. At 400 lbs, this is difficult. I run out of breath trying to reach down.
    • Totally fixable by 350 lbs.
  • I can’t cross my legs.
    • I can do this in bed around 300 lbs, sitting anywhere at 250 lbs.
  • Armrests of chairs dig into my sides – airplanes suck even worse so. But it’s hard to fit in fixed-width booths, some chairs, and anywhere that isn’t really made for obese people. This one is embarrassing.
    • I think I should be find at 350 lbs for most chairs. I would think that at 320 lbs I won’t be needing a seat belt extender in airplanes any longer.
  • My lungs feel constricted – this is a sucky feeling. I’m out of breath a lot. This is how it felt when I was 9 months pregnant, and I felt I could breather again once the baby was out of me.
    • Yeah, soooooo… needless to say, I think I can get back to feeling okay at 370 lbs.
  • I want to participate in a mud run.
    • Again, maybe around 320 lbs.
  • I want to go ziplining, tubing, and horseback riding.
    • Well, here we go. 250 lbs max.
  • I also want to climb up Machu Pichu with my husband/ Hike some of the Applachian Trail.
    • Who knows. When I hit 250 lbs? Reward trip!!!

Currently, I am fearful, but motivated. This has never gotten me anywhere. So, I am attempting to establish some of my infamous tenacity of “so fucking what, do it anyway” that has gotten me quite far in my career.

And I got a FitBit Blaze. That kind helps me nerd out a little bit, and a new Google Spreadsheet for measurements so I can revel in success in the future once the inches go down.

OK. Deep Breath. Ready. Set. Go!



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