399.4 lbs. What do you even say to that? This is yet another rock bottom of my life? Another milestone in physical and mental failures manifesting my inability to conquer myself? I have no words to describe how embarrassing it is to find myself where I am and how desperately I want to rediscover myself.
Can’t possibly be big compared to a humpback whale.
Except, this time it is harder than ever. I am 34, I have a family, and almost a two-year old, with whom I spend less time than I wish I did. My career is more demanding than ever and I less opportunities to move than I ever had due to it. Sure. These are excuses. I need more discipline.
I established discipline poorly when I was single, younger, freer. When I had all those opportunities to learn that being in shape, being successful, has nothing to do with how motivated I am. How inspired I am. You do what you do because you need to. That’s with raising kids, working, and unfortunately for me, being healthy.
There’s a lot I can’t do right now. More about it below. It means, my first big push starts in the kitchen, and just doing things that I can that I don’t necessarily like, but I have to do because I can’t get to the fund things until I’ve suffered the boring a while.
I can’t do so I can some day in the future reflect back to this moment and remind myself of all the things I really want to be able to do again :
- Ride a bike – my monster of a mountain bike is unable to carry my weight. The chain keeps snapping and the tires are so flat it’s almost like riding with a flat tire.
- I love biking. I want to bike again, and I want to do that with my son. I think this is doable around 350-340 lbs.
- Running – I tried. My knees cannot take this. I sprinted for about a week and I was unable to walk for almost a month.
- I want to run again. I don’t love running, but I love the runner’s high after. I think I can start this once I hit around 320 lbs.
- Lifting heavy – I can barely chest press 35 lbs dumbbells.
- I need to get back to 50 lbs chest presses. This is a good goal. I can start on this today.
- Walking hurts. My knee hurts. I don’t feel like I am walking any longer. I feel like I am waddling and slower than ever.
- Ugh. This one sucks. I am now one of those people I used to look at the store.
- I have a double chin.
- Gross. 300 lbs should do here.
- Wiping my butt sucks.
- 350 lbs where I won’t need to bend my back.
- I can’t see my toes or down there.
- I think 350 lbs should be fine here. Hooray for maintenance.
- Putting on shoes and socks is difficult – I thought this was terrible when I was 9 months pregnant. At 400 lbs, this is difficult. I run out of breath trying to reach down.
- Totally fixable by 350 lbs.
- I can’t cross my legs.
- I can do this in bed around 300 lbs, sitting anywhere at 250 lbs.
- Armrests of chairs dig into my sides – airplanes suck even worse so. But it’s hard to fit in fixed-width booths, some chairs, and anywhere that isn’t really made for obese people. This one is embarrassing.
- I think I should be find at 350 lbs for most chairs. I would think that at 320 lbs I won’t be needing a seat belt extender in airplanes any longer.
- My lungs feel constricted – this is a sucky feeling. I’m out of breath a lot. This is how it felt when I was 9 months pregnant, and I felt I could breather again once the baby was out of me.
- Yeah, soooooo… needless to say, I think I can get back to feeling okay at 370 lbs.
- I want to participate in a mud run.
- Again, maybe around 320 lbs.
- I want to go ziplining, tubing, and horseback riding.
- Well, here we go. 250 lbs max.
- I also want to climb up Machu Pichu with my husband/ Hike some of the Applachian Trail.
- Who knows. When I hit 250 lbs? Reward trip!!!
Currently, I am fearful, but motivated. This has never gotten me anywhere. So, I am attempting to establish some of my infamous tenacity of “so fucking what, do it anyway” that has gotten me quite far in my career.
And I got a FitBit Blaze. That kind helps me nerd out a little bit, and a new Google Spreadsheet for measurements so I can revel in success in the future once the inches go down.
OK. Deep Breath. Ready. Set. Go!