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Day to Day

Still Fat!

399.4 lbs. What do you even say to that? This is yet another rock bottom of my life? Another milestone in physical and mental failures manifesting my inability to conquer myself?  I have no words to describe how embarrassing it is to find myself where I am and how desperately I want to rediscover myself.

whales

Can’t possibly be big compared to a humpback whale.

Except, this time it is harder than ever. I am 34, I have a family, and almost a two-year old, with whom I spend less time than I wish I did. My career is more demanding than ever and I less opportunities to move than I ever had due to it.  Sure. These are excuses. I need more discipline.

I established discipline poorly when I was single, younger, freer. When I had all those opportunities to learn that being in shape, being successful, has nothing to do with how motivated I am. How inspired I am. You do what you do because you need to. That’s with raising kids, working, and unfortunately for me, being healthy.

There’s a lot I can’t do right now. More about it below. It means, my first big push starts in the kitchen, and just doing things that I can that I don’t necessarily like, but I have to do because I can’t get to the fund things until I’ve suffered the boring a while.

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Mothering and exercise

I truly admire any working mother with an infant that has any energy to work out after a baby has woken up three times in the middle of the night to feed, and other general shenanigans.

I am so tired and worn out that even coming to work has been challenging. I’m just asking that my sweet little baby would just sleep a few more hours at a time before waking up. Exercise? I can make time for it, but I have no energy at the moment. I’ve gone to bed extra early because I’m just that tired, too.

Well, I’ve been eating okay, so yay for that. 354 lbs. Staying on track! This sleep deprivation will change, too.


Mom just keeps going!

I’m on fire! Someone bring water! In other words, I’m doing awesome and I’m thirsty. I just want to celebrate 9 day streak and doing awesome at work on my projects that I’m in charge of. Not too bad. I even pump at work now with no shame or trying to hide the sterilization bag for all the parts. That’s a small win.

Most importantly, I just enjoy every minute I get to hang out with my tiny little baby boy. He is such a sweet little snugglemonster and I can’t wait to hold him in my arms as soon as  he and his daddy get home, which means I had better get to the gym at the club house if I want to sneak in a work out.

Man, staying uber organized here just to survive!


Well, it’s been a few months…

It’s been a while. Let’s get the good statistics speak for themselves:

Weight: 282.6 lbs.
Running distance: 3,5 miles (and increasing!)
Fitting into: my size 22 silver jeans beautifully. In fact, just bought myself size 20’s and can’t wait to fit into them!!! (and these are true to their size, dammit!! So go fuck yourself, Old Navy for letting me lie to myself for so long.)
Circumference measurements: the same. I am not seeing much difference in the inches, oddly enough, in the clothing quite dramatically.

I have been pretty quiet. Mostly, I went through a pretty sever bout of depression. I had intense love-like feelings for a person, which soon turned into intense my-heart-is-broken-and-I really-don’t-want-to-talk-with-anyone, my mother fell very ill and I have been worried sick about her, then I felt lonely (so I subscribed to that unhealthy friends-with-benefits) and moving to a new places has been great, but I’ve needed to find my own routines again. I think there were a few weeks of binging there, too. Helloooooo dairy queen! Hello 10 lbs weight gain! In general, I’ve just needed my own time to explore new things, get my mind off of the old, and let go. I’ve needed to gather up some energy to get pumped up about losing weight again!

So, my GF Kelly and I have started up our hiking again, I’ve been running, and going to the gym for the past few weeks pretty intensely.  It’s definitely over with my fwb’s, and I haven’t even talked with my ex-boyfriends.  There’s just room for new things, and more room for me.

I downloaded this weight-loss simulator, and I have been following my food intake based on what it was suggesting. So far, I’m staying right on track, and it helps me stay motivated to keep going. I want to see how accurately it can predict my weight-loss based on my calorie intake. Although, I made the chart for someone that is sedentary, I’ve had to work-out a lot to get to the numbers!!!

I keep going out on runs. I keep getting lost in the damn suburbs! It’s actually quite fun. I’ve decided that every time I get lost (which, after two months, you’d think I know not to get lost 0.2 miles from home), I just have to run until I get to where I was planning on.  That… and I am pretty excited to be on track again. I hope this renewed gusto sticks with me more than a few weeks! 🙂


Change of Plans

Let’s not talk about the baseball game. I’m relatively irritated about that still. I really wish some people didn’t have the knack of making me feel like a second class citizen.

While we’re at it. I’d like to tell my 7th grade gym teacher to go fuck herself, because I got an F for running a mile in 12 minutes. Apparently, I should have accomplished this in about 8 minutes for an A.  At the fucking 7th grade, nonetheless! Well, no wonder I hated running so much. My teacher was a jerk, and so were a lot of my classmates.  Today, I am proudly reporting that I ran a mile in 12 minutes. I felt like I was gliding on the pavement, and it felt so amazing. I wasn’t just trying to keep slow enough pace that I could make a  certain amount of minutes. No, I was just running at a fast pace (for me) until I just couldn’t any longer. Granted, not the longest ever distance, but it was real running!!!

And the scale was at 289.4 lbs this morning. Two days in a row under 290 lbs. That in itself is a feat worth celebrating with more exercise! I will yet become a goddess of some kind. Maybe just of my own internet blog, but this self-improving does feel good, and it makes me happier. It almost makes me forget the  social fiascoes of the day [insert loads of grrrrrrh here].

But, since I didn’t do anything social today, I got the run in, and I got my walking in at work for the two breaks that I was planning on. I now hope that I will manage to get up early enough to go hike in the morning, and the pack most of the day. Who knows, maybe end of next week, the scale will be 288, and then I am yet another pound closer to my goal. 🙂

(Although, I’d like my belly circumference measurements go down as well. Those haven’t budged in 2 months).

 

And since I ran, I may also feel like I’m not full of energy and get some sleep.


Sesamoid! My new favorite cussword

I have either fractured my sesamoid bone on my left foot, or I’ve just managed to bruise it rather painfully. Either way, I am not capable of of running for the next couple of weeks until that heals up properly. Meanwhile, I have the following options:

  1. Take my bike to the bike shop and get it fixed (moving is siphoning my bank account)
  2. Ride my boring spare bike
  3. Not do anything at all
  4. Continue walking at breaks at work despite of the scorching weather
  5. Go to the gym and use the elliptical
  6. Lift some weights for the upper body
  7. Show the world my lumps and swim

I’m saying no to #3. That’s right. I am not giving up. Weekend was a bit tough, I drank the entire weekend myself to oblivion (thanks to mom’s cancer news).  But, Monday, I started to feel guilty about my selfish feelings and self-punishment, and decided that I deserved to feel good. Mom did say that she still wants to go to Barcelona with me. I need to make it happen.  I also need to start saving up to my LA trip, this time seriously. I need my passport, so I can either see mom in Finland or in Spain. I don’t care which. I need to see my family.

And today, I talked with Miss M on the work communicator. She’s skinny as it gets and very active, and she says that I am doing so well with everything. I may not be losing a lot right now, but I am consistently working toward my goals, and it’s showing.  She is such a good motivator. Well, the past month is showing. I’m now where I was before I decided on that stupid affair that has been no good for me. Him and I are now just friends, and it’s so much less stressful and distracting this way. I get to flirt a little, but I don’t feel attached at all. Now, he actually comes to talk to me at work and we don’t have to avoid each other in order to cover up for what really is going on.

Some different boy from work asked me out. I feel guilty about even saying yes. Now, I’ve been avoiding him at work like plague.  I have never even flirted with him. Oh god… I talked with a married co-worker of mine, and he just said that men just appear to get really attached to me really quickly — far quicker than I make that sort of bonds.

I just have issues. =D

Like loads of them. Like I should have a protein shake and blueberries since I just worked out, and tape up my foot a little better. Oh, and watch Game of Thrones.


I am turning in to an activity monster

Well, looks like my quest to be active has been going better than I expected.  We can partially thank Facebook for that. Some of my friends I’ve spent less time with are now turning into friends to do more things with since we’ve realized we have so many common interests and goals: Disc golfing, running, hiking, tennis,  being nerds, and biking. It’s great! Not only do I get to be active, but I get to do this with people I really like!

I am a little bummed out I forgot my camera when Kelly and I went to hike up the Table Rock (elevation: 3658 ft ( 1115 m)). Not sure what the base elevation is exactly, but Boise has an  approximate elevation of 2,730 ft (850 m). It was tough! Took Kelly and I an hour and half, and my calves and thighs are sore now. According to this Bodybugg, I didn’t actually burn more calories per minute than I do when I walk typically, but the hike up the hill was definitely more of a resistance workout, and I was running out of breath.

The nice thing in Boise is that people are super friendly and sweet, and it’s not atypical for strangers  to joke around a bit on the trail when you pass them. That already makes walking on the trails nice, but it helped that I had someone to keep me accountable, so I couldn’t very well just quit half way up.

I’ll try to take my camera with me next time, but here’s a picture I am liberally using from this lovely blog. You should check it out. There are several reasons I’ve fallen in love with Boise over the years, and this view is one of them.

And today, I did some disc golf at the park. That took a lot of energy, but I felt really like I needed to do something else all day, so I went to do some of my speed work with running a bit ago. All in all, I had a really active weekend, and I look forward to being this active, if not even more, all summer long.

I even told my guest-to-be-of-10-days that I am hoping we can spend as much time outdoors as possible while he is here. Even if he hates the outdoors, and loves nothing as much as A/C, I need to be out. Thankfully, he seemed to be more OK with it than I expected.