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Motivation Struggles

Still Fat!

399.4 lbs. What do you even say to that? This is yet another rock bottom of my life? Another milestone in physical and mental failures manifesting my inability to conquer myself?  I have no words to describe how embarrassing it is to find myself where I am and how desperately I want to rediscover myself.

whales

Can’t possibly be big compared to a humpback whale.

Except, this time it is harder than ever. I am 34, I have a family, and almost a two-year old, with whom I spend less time than I wish I did. My career is more demanding than ever and I less opportunities to move than I ever had due to it.  Sure. These are excuses. I need more discipline.

I established discipline poorly when I was single, younger, freer. When I had all those opportunities to learn that being in shape, being successful, has nothing to do with how motivated I am. How inspired I am. You do what you do because you need to. That’s with raising kids, working, and unfortunately for me, being healthy.

There’s a lot I can’t do right now. More about it below. It means, my first big push starts in the kitchen, and just doing things that I can that I don’t necessarily like, but I have to do because I can’t get to the fund things until I’ve suffered the boring a while.

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Beating ’em cravings!

Approx 307 lbs. I didn’t check today, and here’s why: I had a terrible day yesterday, and I really do not need to be depressed about how things are.  The whole day today has gone in some sort of recovery mode. I have been battling against my brain and thoughts that have been telling me things like “Oh, melted cheese would be delicious. How about that Hawaiian Blizzard from Dairy Queen? One donut wouldn’t hurt? You can buy four of them. Just eat one…” However, I need to acknowledge that I do have to get back on track, and stay motivated (and I am).  I realize a lot of this is whining, but it feels cathartic to be able to express myself at least in the blog format.

I beat it. It was all I could do to stop myself from continuing this horrible binging mode. I don’t need the garbage. I don’t.  So, while I was driving from work, my hands-shaking, and my mind fragile with the thought of fast food, doughnuts, and pizza, something finally snapped. I said to myself: “stop”. I don’t how I was able to do it. It was a struggle. I went grocery shopping, and I just had to keep telling myself “no” on every isle that contained something  disgusting, and eventually, after half a day of feeling this way, the craving subsided.

I had done so well for two weeks. I ate well,  I exercised. Even these 12-hour days at work didn’t keep me from working out.  Then Saturday, I just kinda had the money, so I bought McDonald’s Egg McMuffin on my way to work (300 kcal. Not that bad). Three hours later, I went to buy a bagel (about 750 kcal with all the toppings).  I was stuffed at that point, but my friend asked me if I wanted to get some Mexican food with him… needless to say, I had a full plate of tamales, rice, and tacos. Then I went to Dairy Queen and got myself a small blizzard.  I napped. I didn’t feel like exercising a single bit. I got up just to be a glutton some more. Think a Newcastle Brown Ale with four apple turnovers.

I understand I have a problem with eating. I know I have BED, and when it kicks in, I go weeks, even months, just stuffing food in my mouth. The sad part is that I am so obsessed with food, that I know better than most “heatlhy” people what their foods contain, what kinds of proteins they should be eating at what times to optimize their weight-loss and exercise. I can design a balanced diet in no time, and estimate food intake to a ridiculous accuracy (my favorite thing to do watching the Biggest Loser: guess how many calories certain foods are before the contestant. I usually get within 20 kcal range).

I thought about joining Overeaters Anonymous, but it’s intimidating that these meeting are occuring in churches. It’s also intimidating they only list phone numbers for contacts. I don’t feel comfortable being that social when I’m facing my biggest issue since I’ve been a child: I have battled binge eating disorder since my childhood. I wish I could just stop. I really do. I’m trying.

I realize I am always feeling like I need to “fix me”… It’s a little vexing. It’s hard to think that anyone can care about me as I am, that I can be loved as what I am now, rather than what I could be. I’ve managed to come a long way since my childhood and all the abuse I’ve gone through, but there’s still a lot of work I need to do with myself.

I’m so uncomfortable with people that are warm, and giving emotionally. I usually tend to gravitate toward people that don’t care about me that much, because they are dismissive. I suppose in a way, I am still having a hard time forming warm, close relationships with people. But, I am trying… more or less.


Help I’m Alive!

Oh gosh. .. that’s all I have to say about the last few weeks.

I didn’t realize that I am this angry and this depressed. I’ve had the weekend to be by myself and think about things without my roommate being anywhere around. It’s been good. I canceled all my social activities. I have been cleaning, and organizing things. I went over my finances (which is what has made me so grouchy).  I’ve talked so much about being prepared and organized to keep things going — this is the first thing that has taken a hit while I haven’t cared enough to even get out of bed most of the time. Well, I want to get ahead and make my dreams come true, so I am trying to get a second job until thing change at my current one for better.

I know I said this last time too, but now I have some sort of an action plan. I do want to be healthy, after all. I’ve been snowboarding a little bit, and that’s good. I just need to ramp up my exercise somewhat, and definitely get back in gear with my regular eating!!!  I’ve identified diet coke to be just pure evil. I really can’t be drinking it, because I end up eating snack then, too. I just have to stick with water, and maybe coffee. I haven’t had any of that for a few days either. The amount of creamer I have in a week is crazy!!! So, reduce the amount of caffeine, and increase water intake. That’s my number one liquid goal.

Then, I still need to make an exercise schedule. I have been completely paralyzed when it has come to exercise. I went to snowboard, but I have this fear of going to Gold’s!! It’s full of people that are toned and looking nice, and I don’t.  I am obese, and I see no obese people in that Gold’s any longer. It’s uncomfortable, but I am going to be pushing through it. I can’t fix the flat on my bike either, so I need to go get a new inner tire for it.  But I am going to do that.  Right now though, I fell pretty hard Thursday on the snowboard, hit my head and I am sore all over my body. Today has been the worse, I have barely been able to walk at all, and my shoulders are completely jammed. That needs to heal, and I can resume some weight-lifting.

The biggest thing I have to tackle, is my diet.  I haven’t been preparing things ahead of time at all. I am going to be now. I bought zip-lock bags just so I could portion out all my oatmeal in the oatmeal container, instead of doing anything so hurried when I go to work. I also bought some frozen food entrees for those days when I am running late to work, or haven’t prepared anything the night before. This should help with the Jack-in-the-box runs I’ve had lately.

That’s all.

It just feels nicer when everything is in order, clean… I know what’s going to be happening.  I know what I’m going to be eating the next month, and I don’t have to starve. Those are all good things. Very good things indeed.

Current weight: 315.8 lbs….  I am just thankful that for as much I’ve been eating during the holidays, it’s not more than that.


Spinned my wheels there for a few weeks…

As if you haven’t noticed that I haven’t updated in a while! I was doing so well, and then I ended up being entirely too social with men. I met some amazing men via OKCupid, and ended up going out on several dates here in the past few weeks.  Work got a bit crazy, and so did my eating. What does that mean in practice? I don’t want to know!!!!

Now that things have settled down, I feel like I want to be back on track. I know I won’t make my 300 lbs by my birthday now, but it should be perfectly doable by New Years!  I feel good about looking better, feeling better.  I feel good about fitting into my clothes better, but what I am not feeling good is that I can feel a little more flab around my belly after all the dinners and coffee I’ve been drinking with the boys.

I haven’t been able to run outside in the evenings, because it’s been slick and icy. Yesterday, it felt amazing to be able to go to the gym during some normal hours and do 40 minutes of cardio.It was tough, considering I ran last time last week, but today I feel so good about it. I feel good that I haven’t stuffed my mouth with sugars and candy (damn you Halloween!).  I am  going to try to make it there today, too. However, the ski season started and I have plans to go snowboarding tomorrow. And then, it’s snowboarding all winter season long!! I am so excited! That’s exercise without even exercising! As long as I can stay off the ski lodge and all that delicious beer…

And I met a guy that has lost 170 lbs in the past 2 years. He looks amazing. He’s friendly, sexy, and absolutely wonderful to talk with. He asked me to go out with him again. He doesn’t want to be with someone who’s too lazy to be active, and I certainly don’t want to be in that category either! Seems like we click really well. There’s definitel chemistry going on between us. Although, there’s my nerdy lawyer boy too, with whom I just spent Thanksgiving with….
Oh, decision, decisions! I just need to get my daily routines back on track!!! And thank you for the nice messages! I appreciate them so much. I really haven’t forgotten about this blog; I’ve just felt the last few weeks that I’ve been entirely too overwhelmed with things in general. I just refuse to have all that good effort to go down the toilet, because things got crazy. I now know that saying “no”, and sticking to routines, and scheduling my life a bit ahead of time is essential. It should be easier to stick to things again.
Even if I am dreaming about boys…


So a little better…

Well, it appears that my last weekend’s splurge was +5 lbs.  I ran Sunday, I lifted weights Monday, I hiked Tuesday. Today I slept. I am struggling with not enough sleep, work, and working out. It seems like the past few weeks have been nothing but social life. Juggling my social life around this and not feeling so angry all the time is almost impossible. I have no idea why I have to feel so upset about everything.  I know I am expecting Friday to be a work-out free day most likely. I have a dinner with a friend that is leaving the country for years to come, then a concert I promised to go to.  I am hoping I’d be in the same weight as two weeks ago, but it doesn’t look feasible. 5 lbs from last weekend is equating to maybe -2 lbs this week.

But, what I am really incredibly happy about is that I got my ass back in gear. I am doing this, even though it’s not the easiest of weeks to do it. The weekend is going to go working overtime again, and rest is sorely missed. I don’t necessarily have time to “reset and re-motivate myself” and sit down to make plans about my week, future, and exercise routines like I need/ want to, but I am at least trying for another week and a half when the opportunity to have a real weekend off presents itself again.  I am still hoping to run 2,5 miles by the weekend, and lose some weight.

I’m just a little disappointed that I can’t just within a couple of days to get back to where I left off, that I have now fallen behind on my goals. I think I am stressing out about it a bit, too. So, now I have 8 weeks to lose about 12 lbs!!!

Lesson of the week:  Binging may wreak havoc on me, but getting back to working out and eating healthy feels great!


I feel like a washed up old alcoholic

I have been binging the past two days. I’ve been drinking my brains out, shoved food in my face like all the food on the planet may run out any moment now. I see garbage all around me. Empty pizza boxes, boxes that used to contain Swedish Fish, mini cinnamon rolls, white bread,  rolls of all kinds. I have consumed over $30 in groceries within two days – it’s been all garbage. And help me lord, I have not been able to stop. I feel like an alcoholic. Like a hurt, failed, miserable case of a human being. I feel like the eating disorders I have lived with most of my life have won.

I am home eating, gorging on foods that I know aren’t good for me. I have consumed calories at least to warrant a +3 lbs weight gain within the past 24 hours. I haven’t been able to stop. I feel like a maniac, struggling with myself, feeling guilty. Feeling like I cannot control myself. I woke up this morning wanting to. I lost within the first 2 hours.  I feel helpless. I missed going to see a new place to live at (and didn’t notify anyone). I am currently missing my friend’s going away party, and I wish I was able to be there, but I am home. Feeling utterly incapable of any social functions.

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal.


I am struggling

I haven’t been struggling staying focused on my weight-loss. I feel tired, drained, and most of all, I haven’t stayed organized at all. The mornings have been a scramble, yesterday I took a day off from working out although I really shouldn’t have. I’ve eaten erratically. I need to get re-focused! I don’t have my gym clothes with me, I talk myself out of working out right after work… I forget to add numbers to my little spreadsheet to keep me accountable.  I need to figure this out. This is feeling like all my other weight-losses, where I just eventually give up. I don’t want to!!!! I need to continue and work hard!
The thing is, I think I felt a bit comfortable weighing 308.6 lbs already. That makes my goal of 300 lbs by December 14th seem like an easy road! Well, it isn’t. I need to be consistent, I need to fit into my pretty clothes, and I want to feel good about me.  I am determined to get through this slump. I just don’t know how yet 😦

I did so well negotiating a great deal at the gym for myself for the next two years. I really felt good about that, but I haven’t gone to the gym yet. I am going to do that today. I just absolutely have to for myself. I have to get re-focused. I need to get more good quality sleep and be more selfish about my time. For tomorrow, I am going to lay my clothes out and make sure all my things are ready to go.