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Feeling better

Lazy as I’ve been, gotten a few walks in and a hike, I’ve done better. Eating isn’t completely under control and a bit of a panic is starting to set in because I’m going to be feeding the little man less and less milk as he starts solids. That means less easy calorie burning.

Weight is still not what it was before I fell off the wagon, but I’m on it. I’m trying not to think about the failure too much. Just take it a day at a time. What else can I really do? Moderation is better than perfection and then total despair.


Relapse Embarrassment

My mind is plagued. It is filled with obsessive thoughts about cakes and chocolates, licorice, and any other sweet things to have. The sweet taste of chocolate on my tongue, until I am in a satiated, sugary coma, my veins buzzing with over-consumption of coffee.

Let’s face it, I am an addict, who desperately wants to be in a different place physically, but who mentally obsesses over any delicacies. My brain fills up with a singular thought until it is satisfied. It’s hard to say no. When I want something, I don’t have the fortitude to deny myself the gratification, think about the big picture.  If I have to drive 30 miles to get a specific pastry, I just might do that.

While I try to diet, I tell myself: “This one won’t hurt me.” And then “Well, that last one wasn’t so bad, I can have a little bit.” And then eventually it is “I’ll try again tomorrow, since today is a wash.”

Why am I unable to stop at moderation? I have never met anyone (that I know of), who struggles so much with over-eating. I even worry my husband, and probably just about anyone else if they knew just how much I eat unhealthy shit.

I might hide things if I get confronted with my eating. Somehow, someway, I always find a way to get to that sweet sensation that delivers that sugary coma.  I have, since I was a kid. Since I was on 4th grade. At that age, I already realized I had a problem. Since then, I have tried to hide the issue. All I’ve heard is “Eat less”, “Don’t have so many sweets”. If I could stop, I would. I don’t know how to.

And as an adult, with access to money and to a vehicle, it is even worse.  I don’t know what to do. I fear of failure. I almost feel like I don’t want to try to do better. But I do, month at a time, and I relapse and yo-yo back to where I started from, and then more. It’s not healthy. It’s not good.

I am in a dark place. I am going through a withdrawal again, since I ate horribly the last three weeks. I tracked most of it, so I knew, but I couldn’t stop myself. I promised I would, but then I wanted something. Anything, everything.

And I hate going through these withdrawal symptoms. It’s horrifying. Getting to the other side, but constantly having to say “no” to temptations that come into the house. It’s like bringing alcohol to an alcoholic. It is exactly like it, actually.

I admit. I am weak. I cannot say no.

Here I am again, trying to get back into the wagon. Beaten.

Bbq chicken wings, chocolate, and oh my

I confess. I like the fact I can eat almost 3000 kcal and still lose weight, because it had allowed me to enjoy chicken wings at a local cook off this past weekend. At 100 kcal per wing approx, they are no low calorie diet food.

Or the chocolate. Oh my god, the chocolate! I sure loved my mom sending me some from Finland. A taste of home across the Atlantic.

For father’s day, I did skip the cinnabons. I love cinnamon rolls, but I don’t like icing, and there’s nothing I can do to fix a day of 1100 kcal roll!

So, what can I say? Little treats are keeping me sane. 29 day streak of eating well and losing weight, and did I mention lifting weights?!

Non-scale victory?

Reddit has ruined my vocabulary (NSVs everywhere! ). Nevertheless, my wedding ring fits my finger now!  I look like a missus…

…thanks to getting sick again. Naked protein smoothies, I’m looking at you (the only common denominator between the last gastrointestinal bout and this one; no shakes between the two).


353 lbs.

Potassium schpotassium

Tracking one’s macronutrients can be awfully satisfying from an OCD point of view. With the MyFitnessPal android app, it’s been a delightful journey into discovering some of my micronutrients as well.

It appears that no matter what, I intake only half of my daily potassium requirement. How the heck people hit these numbers and stay aligned with all their other requirements? Must be magic. Dirty, filthy, potassium-infused magic.

Also, despite really wanting to lie to the app when I’ve been naughty in my eatings, I haven’t. I did notice it’s easier to correct a few terrible choices in my daily life when I’m aware of their effect on my daily macro distribution. Too many fats? Eat more carbs/protein. Too much sugar? Well, lean meats it is…

I have to admit that I feel pretty good. 14 days in, 13 lbs lost pretty effortlessly. I feel there might yet be hope for my mommy weight.

Well, that’s one way to lose pounds…

Well, here I am. Seven days into losing weight consciously, the last two of it mostly due to food poisoning. All food sounds terrible, although my most acute need is to get rid of this pounding head ache.

I’ve been contemplating a bit on why I am where I am today, and I’m realizing that this weight gain is not because of a personal failure, even though I gained more than I intended. My body was incubating a baby, and it will just take some time for my body to get back to where I was before the pregnancy.

Not weight-wise, but physically, I was doing the right things a year ago. I need to remember that. I was feeling strong and great about what we were doing. My husband and I made mountain biking a priority, we were killing it on the trails and having fun. I was doing awesome on dead-lifts at the gym (220 lbs! ). I didn’t stop because I wanted to. I stopped because my doctor told me to.

I admit It was easy to slip into laziness in the midst of nausea, fatigue, and aching hips. During Halloween, candy seemed like the most amazing thing ever. And I didn’t care, really. I was supposed to eat after all.

I have had a hard time being active consistently since Baby W was born, but I can do this. Just need to stay organized with everything. My body just did its thing to create life, now I’m going to do my thing to feel good.

I’ll start with step one. That is: get rid of this food poisoning and head ache.

Day 3

Hey, so in the midst of this ravenous appetite that doesn’t let go by eating what I’m supposed to, I’ve managed to discover that in the past four years even technology solutions I’ve not liked in the past have gotten better. Much better.

I put my polar heart rate monitor on yesterday to work out on the elliptical at our subdivision club house. Well, lo’ and behold, not only does the heart rate monitor sync up to my watch and phone (if I knew where the dongle was… This is two year old technology), but it syncs to the elliptical. That’s awesome. Effort measured! And of course, I like numbers! Tangible, measurable, conceivable.


Hey, all synced up!

Now, I confess I owned a Fitbit for a week and then returned it. It wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be, mostly just an expensive pedometer. Now, I slightly regret giving up on it. MyFitnessPal, as it turns out, has a pretty nice app to track calories and activities. The Fitbit would have synced with it and calculated calorie burn for me based on my activity level.

Fitbit is no bodybugg in accuracy, but I don’t think BodyMedia fully actualized the leap to smartphones and was acquired by the ever-struggling Jawbone. They have the chance to do something amazing, calculate calories burned based on the actual effort, not pedometer readings. But alas, since the acquisition, even the Up 3 hasn’t hit the market.

My ten year old bodybugg was better in so many ways than Fitbit and far ahead of its time. It just got lost in the giant shuffle and I’m sad about it. There’s nothing like it in the market right now as far as my Google-fu can tell.

I digress. MyFitnessPal has improved a lot since I last used it on PC. In fact, it sucks using it online. Entering things via my phone? Easy! Verified foods? Easy! Someone else went through the effort to figure out the calories in Whole Foods’s Golden Age Boule? Easy! I have so far found every single food item I eat on their search.

So, I paid for their subscription for a month. If I like it, I’ll buy the year. If not, bye bye subscription and ten bucks I’ll never see again.

I have numbers to obsess about. I love it!