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Posts tagged “diet

Still Fat!

399.4 lbs. What do you even say to that? This is yet another rock bottom of my life? Another milestone in physical and mental failures manifesting my inability to conquer myself?  I have no words to describe how embarrassing it is to find myself where I am and how desperately I want to rediscover myself.


Can’t possibly be big compared to a humpback whale.

Except, this time it is harder than ever. I am 34, I have a family, and almost a two-year old, with whom I spend less time than I wish I did. My career is more demanding than ever and I less opportunities to move than I ever had due to it.  Sure. These are excuses. I need more discipline.

I established discipline poorly when I was single, younger, freer. When I had all those opportunities to learn that being in shape, being successful, has nothing to do with how motivated I am. How inspired I am. You do what you do because you need to. That’s with raising kids, working, and unfortunately for me, being healthy.

There’s a lot I can’t do right now. More about it below. It means, my first big push starts in the kitchen, and just doing things that I can that I don’t necessarily like, but I have to do because I can’t get to the fund things until I’ve suffered the boring a while.



Non-scale victory?

Reddit has ruined my vocabulary (NSVs everywhere! ). Nevertheless, my wedding ring fits my finger now!  I look like a missus…

…thanks to getting sick again. Naked protein smoothies, I’m looking at you (the only common denominator between the last gastrointestinal bout and this one; no shakes between the two).


353 lbs.

Miss me?

No, yes, maybe? Well, either way, tomorrow it will be on! Where am I now? 370 goddamn pounds post partum. As adorable as my boy is, mommy needs to look like a professional chubmuffin, not a mommy that ate a few too many almond croissants the last two trimester.


Well, it’s been a few months…

It’s been a while. Let’s get the good statistics speak for themselves:

Weight: 282.6 lbs.
Running distance: 3,5 miles (and increasing!)
Fitting into: my size 22 silver jeans beautifully. In fact, just bought myself size 20’s and can’t wait to fit into them!!! (and these are true to their size, dammit!! So go fuck yourself, Old Navy for letting me lie to myself for so long.)
Circumference measurements: the same. I am not seeing much difference in the inches, oddly enough, in the clothing quite dramatically.

I have been pretty quiet. Mostly, I went through a pretty sever bout of depression. I had intense love-like feelings for a person, which soon turned into intense my-heart-is-broken-and-I really-don’t-want-to-talk-with-anyone, my mother fell very ill and I have been worried sick about her, then I felt lonely (so I subscribed to that unhealthy friends-with-benefits) and moving to a new places has been great, but I’ve needed to find my own routines again. I think there were a few weeks of binging there, too. Helloooooo dairy queen! Hello 10 lbs weight gain! In general, I’ve just needed my own time to explore new things, get my mind off of the old, and let go. I’ve needed to gather up some energy to get pumped up about losing weight again!

So, my GF Kelly and I have started up our hiking again, I’ve been running, and going to the gym for the past few weeks pretty intensely.  It’s definitely over with my fwb’s, and I haven’t even talked with my ex-boyfriends.  There’s just room for new things, and more room for me.

I downloaded this weight-loss simulator, and I have been following my food intake based on what it was suggesting. So far, I’m staying right on track, and it helps me stay motivated to keep going. I want to see how accurately it can predict my weight-loss based on my calorie intake. Although, I made the chart for someone that is sedentary, I’ve had to work-out a lot to get to the numbers!!!

I keep going out on runs. I keep getting lost in the damn suburbs! It’s actually quite fun. I’ve decided that every time I get lost (which, after two months, you’d think I know not to get lost 0.2 miles from home), I just have to run until I get to where I was planning on.  That… and I am pretty excited to be on track again. I hope this renewed gusto sticks with me more than a few weeks! 🙂

Sesamoid! My new favorite cussword

I have either fractured my sesamoid bone on my left foot, or I’ve just managed to bruise it rather painfully. Either way, I am not capable of of running for the next couple of weeks until that heals up properly. Meanwhile, I have the following options:

  1. Take my bike to the bike shop and get it fixed (moving is siphoning my bank account)
  2. Ride my boring spare bike
  3. Not do anything at all
  4. Continue walking at breaks at work despite of the scorching weather
  5. Go to the gym and use the elliptical
  6. Lift some weights for the upper body
  7. Show the world my lumps and swim

I’m saying no to #3. That’s right. I am not giving up. Weekend was a bit tough, I drank the entire weekend myself to oblivion (thanks to mom’s cancer news).  But, Monday, I started to feel guilty about my selfish feelings and self-punishment, and decided that I deserved to feel good. Mom did say that she still wants to go to Barcelona with me. I need to make it happen.  I also need to start saving up to my LA trip, this time seriously. I need my passport, so I can either see mom in Finland or in Spain. I don’t care which. I need to see my family.

And today, I talked with Miss M on the work communicator. She’s skinny as it gets and very active, and she says that I am doing so well with everything. I may not be losing a lot right now, but I am consistently working toward my goals, and it’s showing.  She is such a good motivator. Well, the past month is showing. I’m now where I was before I decided on that stupid affair that has been no good for me. Him and I are now just friends, and it’s so much less stressful and distracting this way. I get to flirt a little, but I don’t feel attached at all. Now, he actually comes to talk to me at work and we don’t have to avoid each other in order to cover up for what really is going on.

Some different boy from work asked me out. I feel guilty about even saying yes. Now, I’ve been avoiding him at work like plague.  I have never even flirted with him. Oh god… I talked with a married co-worker of mine, and he just said that men just appear to get really attached to me really quickly — far quicker than I make that sort of bonds.

I just have issues. =D

Like loads of them. Like I should have a protein shake and blueberries since I just worked out, and tape up my foot a little better. Oh, and watch Game of Thrones.

One Pound at a Time

I finally did it — I ran 3 miles Monday.  Mind you, the pavement decided all of a sudden snatch my foot, and then push me on the pavement mid-stride. Grrh. I would have tried to beat it up, but it had already gotten my knee and my palm pretty harshly. Besides, it knocked the wind out of my lungs, and that is never a good feeling. Aren’t these massive chesticles supposed to prevent that sort of a thing? What good are they if not soften the landing…

And today, I ended up running on the treadmill for a few minutes, mostly to warm up for my circuits. Nothing massive. In fact, I feel kind of silly that I am muscle-wise still “out of shape” in my own standards. I’m pretty strong, but not nearly as strong as I used to.  I do need to get to the gym more frequently for the weight-lifting. I decided to take advantage for the fact that I slept all afternoon after work, and that there were no women in the women’s workout room at Gold’s. I had aaaaaaall the machine for myself. Usually I work alongside with the men, but doing things that I find a little girlyish, like circuits, I appreciated the solitude.

Circuit (repeat x 3, no rest between exercises):

  • 1 min on treadmill for 8 mph
  • 15 rows at a machine at 145 lbs
  • 15 push-ups, feet on a stability ball
  • 15 leg raises off a bench, lifting butt at the top of the movement
  • 15 combined dumbell bicep curls and shoulder presses at 20 lbs
  • 15  tricep extensions, one arm at a time, 15 lbs (eeeeek, weak…)

That was about 35 minutes

I’d post pictures about my bruise, and my amazing 10 minute turkey burger/sandwich that I came up with, but my camera is apparently out of batteries. Just be aware that I was thinking of you, and I knew you really wanted to see my battle wounds while you drooled.

As far as the title of the post —  I feel exactly that. I’m working toward my goals one pound at a time. I feel at ease. I don’t feel pressured to be skinnier, I don’t feel bad about working out. I feel like I am consistently making efforts to a better, healthier me, and I am not frustrated or impatient about this.  One pound at a time. I also made a goal that I’d lose 45 lbs by my birthday. That means, next December I ought to be  just under 250 lbs. I had better have some killer booty by then, though. that’s 8 months away. With this rate, who knows, I may get there faster. I may not.  But oh my god… That would mean I’d be only 70 lbs from my goal weight, instead of this 110 lbs.

Brink of obesity… we are saying bye bye to you sooner or later 🙂

So, my weekend was so full of exercise…

When life gives you a nice sushi dinner and six alcoholic beverages, I spend the next day paying homage to the porcelain God. So, I definitely got my involuntary stomach exercise in today. I also think curling into a ball and getting up from the bath tub to sit up to throw up counts as cardio.

I considered going out and enjoying the nice weather, but frankly, I am still feeling very squeezy. I also met an amazingly handsome man 5 minutes ago from Craigslist at our place: mainly, he was here to buy my roommate’s great pyrenese. The bastard is married. But oh, was he nice and talking to me. I am excited that the dog isn’t here, either. Between that and the Bin Laden news, today has been pretty fucking awesome despite of the major barf-fest.

I have some fantastic plans to eat healthy tomorrow AND exercising. I am craving my exercise. I am not feeling emotionally so all over the place (so accomplishing that should be easier), after my lovely work affair buddy so unkindly reminded me that he’s not ready for anything serious. He says I make such an awesome friend with benefits. Wait. He wants to make sure that I know I am more than a fuck buddy. So, we act as if we date, but we have no extra tender feelings for each other, other than I find myself oddly jealous at times. This may start working for me eventually. I need to adjust my schedule a little, and get more exercise in, though. And none of this drinking. I lost out on a possibly nice sleep over for the mere fact that at midnight, I ended up throwing up at the club restroom… rather an unusual experience that I am not used to.

But the bouncers were very handsome, too. Maybe they like fat chicks on their knees in restroom stalls.

I ran into this crazy stuff about hCG diet online, too. After a lady I was out with on Saturday said she lost 8 lbs in a week just using it.  I was proud of myself for not interrupting her too much. She didn’t want to hear how dangerous the diet was (which I suspected it was). So, essentially the diet is supposed to get rid of the fat in the “hard to lose areas” that even I am having issues with by using women’s pregnancy hormone. Well, after some reading, I am thinking that this diet just maybe one of the most dangerous ones out there, with no support from FDA or real research. Placebo has been proven to be as efficient. Truly, if you are eating Atkins-type diet for 500 kcal/day, I am pretty certain that you will lose some weight. It still doesn’t equal a lifestyle change, and that means the pounds will come packing on, because you’re not dealing with the issues that got you fat in the first place.

I really just have been too social, and not have enough time to concentrate on me.  I need to scale down my week a bit, and spend time with people that matter. I really am having a hard time not being a social whore.  Hah…
I got a new hair cut with some side-swept bangs:

I got side swept bangs.