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Posts tagged “exercise

Still Fat!

399.4 lbs. What do you even say to that? This is yet another rock bottom of my life? Another milestone in physical and mental failures manifesting my inability to conquer myself?  I have no words to describe how embarrassing it is to find myself where I am and how desperately I want to rediscover myself.


Can’t possibly be big compared to a humpback whale.

Except, this time it is harder than ever. I am 34, I have a family, and almost a two-year old, with whom I spend less time than I wish I did. My career is more demanding than ever and I less opportunities to move than I ever had due to it.  Sure. These are excuses. I need more discipline.

I established discipline poorly when I was single, younger, freer. When I had all those opportunities to learn that being in shape, being successful, has nothing to do with how motivated I am. How inspired I am. You do what you do because you need to. That’s with raising kids, working, and unfortunately for me, being healthy.

There’s a lot I can’t do right now. More about it below. It means, my first big push starts in the kitchen, and just doing things that I can that I don’t necessarily like, but I have to do because I can’t get to the fund things until I’ve suffered the boring a while.



One Pound at a Time

I finally did it — I ran 3 miles Monday.  Mind you, the pavement decided all of a sudden snatch my foot, and then push me on the pavement mid-stride. Grrh. I would have tried to beat it up, but it had already gotten my knee and my palm pretty harshly. Besides, it knocked the wind out of my lungs, and that is never a good feeling. Aren’t these massive chesticles supposed to prevent that sort of a thing? What good are they if not soften the landing…

And today, I ended up running on the treadmill for a few minutes, mostly to warm up for my circuits. Nothing massive. In fact, I feel kind of silly that I am muscle-wise still “out of shape” in my own standards. I’m pretty strong, but not nearly as strong as I used to.  I do need to get to the gym more frequently for the weight-lifting. I decided to take advantage for the fact that I slept all afternoon after work, and that there were no women in the women’s workout room at Gold’s. I had aaaaaaall the machine for myself. Usually I work alongside with the men, but doing things that I find a little girlyish, like circuits, I appreciated the solitude.

Circuit (repeat x 3, no rest between exercises):

  • 1 min on treadmill for 8 mph
  • 15 rows at a machine at 145 lbs
  • 15 push-ups, feet on a stability ball
  • 15 leg raises off a bench, lifting butt at the top of the movement
  • 15 combined dumbell bicep curls and shoulder presses at 20 lbs
  • 15  tricep extensions, one arm at a time, 15 lbs (eeeeek, weak…)

That was about 35 minutes

I’d post pictures about my bruise, and my amazing 10 minute turkey burger/sandwich that I came up with, but my camera is apparently out of batteries. Just be aware that I was thinking of you, and I knew you really wanted to see my battle wounds while you drooled.

As far as the title of the post —  I feel exactly that. I’m working toward my goals one pound at a time. I feel at ease. I don’t feel pressured to be skinnier, I don’t feel bad about working out. I feel like I am consistently making efforts to a better, healthier me, and I am not frustrated or impatient about this.  One pound at a time. I also made a goal that I’d lose 45 lbs by my birthday. That means, next December I ought to be  just under 250 lbs. I had better have some killer booty by then, though. that’s 8 months away. With this rate, who knows, I may get there faster. I may not.  But oh my god… That would mean I’d be only 70 lbs from my goal weight, instead of this 110 lbs.

Brink of obesity… we are saying bye bye to you sooner or later 🙂

So, my weekend was so full of exercise…

When life gives you a nice sushi dinner and six alcoholic beverages, I spend the next day paying homage to the porcelain God. So, I definitely got my involuntary stomach exercise in today. I also think curling into a ball and getting up from the bath tub to sit up to throw up counts as cardio.

I considered going out and enjoying the nice weather, but frankly, I am still feeling very squeezy. I also met an amazingly handsome man 5 minutes ago from Craigslist at our place: mainly, he was here to buy my roommate’s great pyrenese. The bastard is married. But oh, was he nice and talking to me. I am excited that the dog isn’t here, either. Between that and the Bin Laden news, today has been pretty fucking awesome despite of the major barf-fest.

I have some fantastic plans to eat healthy tomorrow AND exercising. I am craving my exercise. I am not feeling emotionally so all over the place (so accomplishing that should be easier), after my lovely work affair buddy so unkindly reminded me that he’s not ready for anything serious. He says I make such an awesome friend with benefits. Wait. He wants to make sure that I know I am more than a fuck buddy. So, we act as if we date, but we have no extra tender feelings for each other, other than I find myself oddly jealous at times. This may start working for me eventually. I need to adjust my schedule a little, and get more exercise in, though. And none of this drinking. I lost out on a possibly nice sleep over for the mere fact that at midnight, I ended up throwing up at the club restroom… rather an unusual experience that I am not used to.

But the bouncers were very handsome, too. Maybe they like fat chicks on their knees in restroom stalls.

I ran into this crazy stuff about hCG diet online, too. After a lady I was out with on Saturday said she lost 8 lbs in a week just using it.  I was proud of myself for not interrupting her too much. She didn’t want to hear how dangerous the diet was (which I suspected it was). So, essentially the diet is supposed to get rid of the fat in the “hard to lose areas” that even I am having issues with by using women’s pregnancy hormone. Well, after some reading, I am thinking that this diet just maybe one of the most dangerous ones out there, with no support from FDA or real research. Placebo has been proven to be as efficient. Truly, if you are eating Atkins-type diet for 500 kcal/day, I am pretty certain that you will lose some weight. It still doesn’t equal a lifestyle change, and that means the pounds will come packing on, because you’re not dealing with the issues that got you fat in the first place.

I really just have been too social, and not have enough time to concentrate on me.  I need to scale down my week a bit, and spend time with people that matter. I really am having a hard time not being a social whore.  Hah…
I got a new hair cut with some side-swept bangs:

I got side swept bangs.

Food be damned!

Outch. Outch. Outch. Dairy queen just killed my guts. I had a lovely small strawberry cheesequake blizzard Saturday evening, and by today, I am having such terrible cramps. This is the second time since my lifestyle overhaul that I’ve had problems with ice cream specifically — not fast food, not dairy, not candy, not donuts… just ice scream.

So, today at work, I managed to go to the bathroom every 45 minutes, just so that nothing happened. I feel that this gas inside of my GI-track is literally pummeling me from the inside out, and probably explains why my belly measurements were 1/2 inch higher than they were yesterday morning. Well, not to worry, I’ve just medicated myself with some Milk of Magnesia again (see: more about my digestive woes ). I even got some Diurex (I had no idea they sold that over the counter) so I can maybe get rid of some of this edema I’m having at my lower extremities. It will come useful when battling PMS symptoms.

And speaking of a crummy day regarding food, I bought Michelina’s 5 cheese lasagna today. What is this for food?!?! I feel like I’ve been robbed of perfectly good 280 kcal eating three miserable slabs of pasta with some tomato sauce, not even half an inch thickness. I want to know where the hell is the cheese?!?!?!?!  I know Michelina’s food is cheap, processed garbage usually anyway (chicken that doesn’t even resemble chicken), but this lasagna is the new low I’ve experienced.

Good news though: yesterday I was on the killer-elliptical-running-stair-stepper-machine for 40 minutes, and burnt about 750 kcal. I have been feeling the burn even today!!! So excited.  I was even more excited to notice that I weighed 292.4 lbs this morning! That means that little by little I’m getting closer to my goals.

Although, I am completely paranoid about getting loose skin….  [insert hysterical scream]….

Afternoon off — so I could gym out

Oh gosh. What a crowd at the gym at 3 pm. I was not expecting that. It was a little annoying to have to wait for the machine, but I am so glad I went anyway! Soon, I have to be out drinking a beer or two, and if I miss some cardio today, I won’t feel nearly as bad.

But, my barbell squats suck. My back hurts, and I can’t go down enough. I can’t even squat down enough regularly. Maybe I just have to accept my bane of so many years and realize that my lower back is never going to be okay.

But! I  did:

  • Squats (# sets x weight x reps):
    • 1 x 95 x 15
    • 1 x 135 x 15
    • 2 x 175 x 6
    • 2 x 155 x 6
  • Chest Presses (# sets x weight x reps):
    • 1 x 105 x 15
    • 1 x 125 x 12
    • 2 x 135 x 5
  • Body weight modified pull-up  4 sets x 8 reps
  • Free motions rows 4 x 10 x 100

And that’s it. Including the 5 minute warm-up, that took me a good 45 minutes. Nothing too exuberant, but a good, overall body workout. I think I hit all the major muscles! And I’m really stinky. Ewwwwwwww….


Now, I need beer and my friends.

103 lbs/ Date #2

I told my roommates about my jeans. She thought it was awesome that I was getting a new pair. I told her I bought the jeans in size smaller than I usually would, and that I just needed to lose some poundage off my ass before I could squeeze in them most likely. It made me feel good when she said: “But you go work out every night!”  It’s not exactly true, but at least she seems to think I am far more active than I am. Ha ha. I walk every day at work, though. That does tend to contribute to the overall energy spent 🙂

I also had a lovely date with Mr A.  It was nice that we were able to be honest enough to admit that neither one of us have really “feelings” and neither one of us know how it really would be to “fall in love” with girls. We are both very logical, over-think, and sarcastic. We have a lot in common, it seems like.  We are comfortable just talking for hours… and he is hot. He made me some chicken and salsa, and that was amazing.  I get the feeling that he isn’t ready to feel things, and I am neither. I am so okay with things going slow.
He was talking to his best friend, a female. And she said that one of us would treat the evening like a booty call. Neither one of us really felt that way. I was just enjoying his company, and we haven’t been overtly sexual. I like that, actually. I am not ready to engage in a relationship fully yet, but I like I have a friend (no matter how short term) that I can talk about things, and view food and exercise in the same way as I do. I feel like someone understands, and I love it. 🙂

Endorphins are like good sex/ Oh my god do I love my fat girl Jeans…

Oh, damn work. I told myself I wouldn’t let work to get to the point where I’d be thinking about it all the time. I am.  I’ve had to work with a man I had an affair with at work lately. We have barely been speaking for the past year, mainly because I decided I didn’t want to have anything to do with him. He shouldn’t have lied to me, and expected me to be okay with that.  Anyway, he keeps laughing at my jokes and reminding me of things that I used to share with him (like awesome music).  I keep thinking his obese self sweating on top of me, over and over and over again. Well, sex was great.

So, I have been a little stressed out trying to figure out who I get to pawn all my work things to before next week, and having to think what four different projects need while I am still part of them, while trying to get ready to launch another one. Ugh. I went to run today, and got most of that pent up stress off of me. I’m still stuck at 305 lbs, but it felt good to do 45 minutes of cardio at almost maximum heart rate. I have some endorphins running through my body, and maybe I can forget about the sex with my co-worker. The most important part of all this is that I’m gonna get my butt looking nice!

Which reminds me of something absolutely awesome! Friday, I got a weeeeeeeee bit tipsy (yay for that!). I sent a customer comment to my favorite jeans company on the whole planet!!! Silver Jeans are simply amazing. Their Plus Size line is just perfect for my curves. I told the company they made my ass look amazing. That was around 10 PM. The next day (Saturday, about 6 PM), the PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY commented on my customer feedback, and I got a free pair of jeans!!!!

I did not expect that! Oh my god. Are they amazing or what?! 🙂 That’s a free pair of the most fabulous $102 jeans on my skinnier ass.

Silver Jeans - The Most Amazing Butt hugging jeans a curvy plus size girl could want.

Ps. I think I am doing a little better with this freaking out/ binging part.  I finally managed to tell my bosses at work that I will be incredibly busy starting next week (I am already — torn up between four projects), and I won’t have the time to spare for anything but the project I’ll be starting up and leading. It’s  going to be time-consuming, and apparently I may be working some over time on a weekly basis.