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Posts tagged “fat chicks

Still Fat!

399.4 lbs. What do you even say to that? This is yet another rock bottom of my life? Another milestone in physical and mental failures manifesting my inability to conquer myself?  I have no words to describe how embarrassing it is to find myself where I am and how desperately I want to rediscover myself.

whales

Can’t possibly be big compared to a humpback whale.

Except, this time it is harder than ever. I am 34, I have a family, and almost a two-year old, with whom I spend less time than I wish I did. My career is more demanding than ever and I less opportunities to move than I ever had due to it.  Sure. These are excuses. I need more discipline.

I established discipline poorly when I was single, younger, freer. When I had all those opportunities to learn that being in shape, being successful, has nothing to do with how motivated I am. How inspired I am. You do what you do because you need to. That’s with raising kids, working, and unfortunately for me, being healthy.

There’s a lot I can’t do right now. More about it below. It means, my first big push starts in the kitchen, and just doing things that I can that I don’t necessarily like, but I have to do because I can’t get to the fund things until I’ve suffered the boring a while.

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Can someone read boys?

I made a few fat jokes about myself today at trivia (I said that when I move, I probably need an F-250 haul  my ass around), and the boys seemed to think that I wasn’t just nice to myself. In fact, they suggested I’d do a dance on the pole when we go to the strip join Thursday? So, I guess I am not completely chopped liver. The boy I went to a date with on Sunday said he would like to go hiking with me (I’ll see if I can make it a weekend date!). I had to ask though. Another boy (24 yr old) is telling me he really likes me, but I have to contact him first though.

Well, let’s see what happens. I don’t want to put pressure on things, I just want to keep things fun and relatively casual. But I am a complete emotional wreck! All I can think is that they will reject me, and I am having a hard time accepting that someone may like BBWs after all. Well, I am fixing this, but liking me as I am now vs. liking me when I am 230 lbs… Well, I am hoping that I am good enough.

I had a hard time cycling today though!! Oh god! I went to the pub to play trivia, like I do every Tuesday, and my legs were just on fire! And I have been starving all day, too!! Sheesh. Maybe I just went too low on my calories yesterday and this is what I get from doing that. Well, I’ve certainly made up for it… 215o kcal for the day.