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Posts tagged “fat

Still Fat!

399.4 lbs. What do you even say to that? This is yet another rock bottom of my life? Another milestone in physical and mental failures manifesting my inability to conquer myself?  I have no words to describe how embarrassing it is to find myself where I am and how desperately I want to rediscover myself.


Can’t possibly be big compared to a humpback whale.

Except, this time it is harder than ever. I am 34, I have a family, and almost a two-year old, with whom I spend less time than I wish I did. My career is more demanding than ever and I less opportunities to move than I ever had due to it.  Sure. These are excuses. I need more discipline.

I established discipline poorly when I was single, younger, freer. When I had all those opportunities to learn that being in shape, being successful, has nothing to do with how motivated I am. How inspired I am. You do what you do because you need to. That’s with raising kids, working, and unfortunately for me, being healthy.

There’s a lot I can’t do right now. More about it below. It means, my first big push starts in the kitchen, and just doing things that I can that I don’t necessarily like, but I have to do because I can’t get to the fund things until I’ve suffered the boring a while.



Holy Crap!

I can’t believe that after my first 5 minutes of running something that resembles jogging, I felt like I couldn’t stop, but I did anyway, because it supposedly isn’t good for you to start out so roughly. However, after my 3 minute walk following the feat, I ran waddled another 10 minutes continuously, and again, I felt like I couldn’t stop, but I did, for about a minute, and then Iran waddled another 5 minutes and I was home already. It felt good. I really pushed myself, my shins are on fire, but I feel SO good, and so amazed that this fat ol’ body can do such a thing.

I don’t know what’s different this time. I’ve only tried this running deal for two weeks now. I have not ran that long continuously since I was 21 (then I was able to do 20 minutes).  Last year after 7 weeks of running, I was only able to do 3-5 minutes, with a 2 minute rest about four times, but not 10 minutes. I am amazed. I am curious how this is possible. The only thing that has changed since then is that I am fatter now, I have ran less weeks, and I am wearing Nike Frees instead of my other running shoes. There could be a lot to be said to the running style – I am hitting the ground my mid-foot first and not my heel.

And I’ve lost on average almost 4 lbs a week even after my initial week. That’s pretty amazing. I know it’s mostly because I am already so fat that I burn massive amounts of calories, but I am excited. Thrilled. My foreign brain is a little too tired to come up with more adjectives to describe my feelings currently.

Jesus fuck though, I am starving!!!!

Scared out of my Granny Panties!

So, I made  a dating profile. I have been looking at these people leerily and looking how intriguing they are: handsome, athletic. Although, I know I have a decently pretty face, I don’t feel comfortable about this whole “Hey, fat chicks wants to be your friend.” I am simply scared to death! This did not used to be this way. Am I supposed to wait until I get a little skinnier to be more accepted – or am I supposed to make things happen now and potentially turn away the person that would love me, but isn’t attracted to me, before I shed this excess me away? Oooooh. The dilemma.

Today is my resting day. I haven’t been very social. This no drinking and no caffeine keeps me rather unwired, and I feel a bit blah in general. I suspect part of this is just that my body is burning around 1000-1500 kcal a day. It’s curious that wearing this Bodybugg, I’ve realized that even on my “resting” day, and going out for walks on my breaks, I simply burned 150 kcal just walking 15 minutes around the perimeter of my work. It sort of explains why I was staying much thinner when I was doing more physical labor. It takes a lot to keep a big girl moving! When I bike for 30 minutes, I maybe burn about 240 kcal the entire time. For me, biking burns less calories than keeping my big body moving at sloth speed on the ground.

I noticed today that my hips have a little bit more a nice shape to them again. I was very happy with that. The circumferences measurements have started to go down finally a little bit. The scale has been stuck all week! Which is probably partially because I am stepping on it all the time like an obsessed food that I am. And it’s a home digital scale, not a professional fancy one. It gives me a +/- 1 lbs difference just stepping on it repeatedly. Another part is that my muscles that I haven’t worked out are getting stronger. I can feel my biceps again after a few weeks! It’s nice that I haven’t lost all my strength from working out. Gaining muscle is okay in my books. Hopefully the scale will go down a little soon, too. It’s the psychological effect of the scale that actually gives me quite the feeling of reward.

And this blog, I am so glad for this blog and you reading it (and commenting on it). It helps me to stay focused on the changes and being motivated. Keeping my Excel worksheet to keep a track of everything – exercise, moods, food intake, measurements, and even my money, is helping tremendously to shape what I am doing and what I am not.

For the Love of a Fat Chick!

Can people actually put a weight aside an look at a person for who they are now, on their journey, not just at the end of their journey? I was just having dinner with my friend, when she got a text message from a man she had been talking with. He was at least nice enough to ask if she would be willing to take steps to get healthier! We are both heavy set, so I understand her apprehension with men. I understand the need to be upfront and honest about the weight right from the beginning, and the fear. That godawful sense of rejection that happens over and over and over again.

It’s nice that internet brings people together. It’s just hard to convey the real state of yourself to a person on the other end of it. That’s why I genuinely enjoy meeting people in real life first. You can tell if they are attracted to you. Unfortunately, although plenty men have been interested in me, lately they have been married men in their late 40’s and geeks that are too shy to go out with me. I need a real man! I am not so worried that they are over-weight, as long as they can keep up with me. As long as they are intriguing as people and I am attracted to them in some way.

But at the same time, I know that I am not attracted to people that are beyond certain weight. I can look past a lot of it – but to a certain point who you are is not just what is inside of you, but what is outside. I think that’s where my patience runs out. I want to be thinner, so I can be more accepted. I know it’s cruel, but I do miss someone to cuddle, someone to love.

So, even days like today, when everything has sucked from work to exercise, I try to stay focused.  I haven’t caved in yet!
I just wish I had someone to hold onto to when the weather gets nippier. Go out to walk on the riverside.  That’s 900 kcal in an hour and half, walking leisurely.  I miss that about being married. Just being there, doing things like that together. Well, maybe there is someone out there for me. Meanwhile, I can always try to  recruit my friends for long walks. 🙂

To illustrate a 50 lbs difference

It appears the only thing in common with 2009 and 2010 is the haircut!!!  I just had the pleasure of going over some work summer party pictures, and I was absolutely shocked. It seems like my metamorphosis from a person to a blubber is far more dramatic in pictures that others have taken. I at least have some control over the ones where I pose for myself.    Well, here’s the me 50 lbs ago!  I don’t even dare with the “when I was 18” ones. Those are just simply depressing.

From Summer of 2010

Circa May of 2009 and about 280 lbs

Morbidly Obese 27 28-year old. Awesome.

That's me as of today. 330 lbs.

So, it has come to this.

I was cleaning my closet of clothing that I can’t fit into. A lot of these clothes are size 14-18 shirts, and size 18-20 pants. That’s a lot of sexy clothes that I got rid of and have now replaced with whatever is cheap from WalMart.  In the past year, I have ballooned to a size that can only be described “Outch”.  Well, at least I still get hit on by men – mostly those that have a fatty fetish.

Being as fat as I am is not comfortable; have you ever tried to wipe your ass past back fat rolls or sat in a restaurant where your hips dig into chairs? These are the kind of things I’ve taken for granted up until the past year.  Now I have enough stretchmarks, that I have to wonder that if I ever even get skinny, would anyone actually find me attractive naked?  I would hope so. I am six feet tall and 330 lbs.  I am not comfortable in my skin. My BMI is 44.8 as we speak, my knees hurt, I have an arthritic lower back.  I am most definitely categorized as morbidly obese – and I hate the people in my life that try to tell me that I “look good just the way I am.”

So yes, I will be blogging about my life as a fat person. I have never been skinny, although I have been at BMI of 27 when I was younger (while throwing up for a few years). Worse yet, I am a compulsive eater.  I often fail at controlling my eating; if I end up being quiet on this blog, it’s probably because I am embarrassed to admit that I am shoving 2000 kcal in my mouth in one sitting.

For me to just be right under “obese”, I will have to weight less than 220 lbs. That’s 110 lbs.  Let’s not even talk about what it would be like if I was actually normal weight. I want to be healthy first and foremost. I want to find love. I want to be attractive. I want the sparkles inside of me shine out in the real world!