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Here be dragons of weight-loss... or at least a lumpy woman on a quest to be healthy!

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Still Fat!

399.4 lbs. What do you even say to that? This is yet another rock bottom of my life? Another milestone in physical and mental failures manifesting my inability to conquer myself?  I have no words to describe how embarrassing it is to find myself where I am and how desperately I want to rediscover myself.

whales

Can’t possibly be big compared to a humpback whale.

Except, this time it is harder than ever. I am 34, I have a family, and almost a two-year old, with whom I spend less time than I wish I did. My career is more demanding than ever and I less opportunities to move than I ever had due to it.  Sure. These are excuses. I need more discipline.

I established discipline poorly when I was single, younger, freer. When I had all those opportunities to learn that being in shape, being successful, has nothing to do with how motivated I am. How inspired I am. You do what you do because you need to. That’s with raising kids, working, and unfortunately for me, being healthy.

There’s a lot I can’t do right now. More about it below. It means, my first big push starts in the kitchen, and just doing things that I can that I don’t necessarily like, but I have to do because I can’t get to the fund things until I’ve suffered the boring a while.

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Mothering and exercise

I truly admire any working mother with an infant that has any energy to work out after a baby has woken up three times in the middle of the night to feed, and other general shenanigans.

I am so tired and worn out that even coming to work has been challenging. I’m just asking that my sweet little baby would just sleep a few more hours at a time before waking up. Exercise? I can make time for it, but I have no energy at the moment. I’ve gone to bed extra early because I’m just that tired, too.

Well, I’ve been eating okay, so yay for that. 354 lbs. Staying on track! This sleep deprivation will change, too.

Feeling better

Lazy as I’ve been, gotten a few walks in and a hike, I’ve done better. Eating isn’t completely under control and a bit of a panic is starting to set in because I’m going to be feeding the little man less and less milk as he starts solids. That means less easy calorie burning.

Weight is still not what it was before I fell off the wagon, but I’m on it. I’m trying not to think about the failure too much. Just take it a day at a time. What else can I really do? Moderation is better than perfection and then total despair.

Relapse Embarrassment

My mind is plagued. It is filled with obsessive thoughts about cakes and chocolates, licorice, and any other sweet things to have. The sweet taste of chocolate on my tongue, until I am in a satiated, sugary coma, my veins buzzing with over-consumption of coffee.

Let’s face it, I am an addict, who desperately wants to be in a different place physically, but who mentally obsesses over any delicacies. My brain fills up with a singular thought until it is satisfied. It’s hard to say no. When I want something, I don’t have the fortitude to deny myself the gratification, think about the big picture.  If I have to drive 30 miles to get a specific pastry, I just might do that.

While I try to diet, I tell myself: “This one won’t hurt me.” And then “Well, that last one wasn’t so bad, I can have a little bit.” And then eventually it is “I’ll try again tomorrow, since today is a wash.”

Why am I unable to stop at moderation? I have never met anyone (that I know of), who struggles so much with over-eating. I even worry my husband, and probably just about anyone else if they knew just how much I eat unhealthy shit.

I might hide things if I get confronted with my eating. Somehow, someway, I always find a way to get to that sweet sensation that delivers that sugary coma.  I have, since I was a kid. Since I was on 4th grade. At that age, I already realized I had a problem. Since then, I have tried to hide the issue. All I’ve heard is “Eat less”, “Don’t have so many sweets”. If I could stop, I would. I don’t know how to.

And as an adult, with access to money and to a vehicle, it is even worse.  I don’t know what to do. I fear of failure. I almost feel like I don’t want to try to do better. But I do, month at a time, and I relapse and yo-yo back to where I started from, and then more. It’s not healthy. It’s not good.

I am in a dark place. I am going through a withdrawal again, since I ate horribly the last three weeks. I tracked most of it, so I knew, but I couldn’t stop myself. I promised I would, but then I wanted something. Anything, everything.

And I hate going through these withdrawal symptoms. It’s horrifying. Getting to the other side, but constantly having to say “no” to temptations that come into the house. It’s like bringing alcohol to an alcoholic. It is exactly like it, actually.

I admit. I am weak. I cannot say no.

Here I am again, trying to get back into the wagon. Beaten.

Bbq chicken wings, chocolate, and oh my

I confess. I like the fact I can eat almost 3000 kcal and still lose weight, because it had allowed me to enjoy chicken wings at a local cook off this past weekend. At 100 kcal per wing approx, they are no low calorie diet food.

Or the chocolate. Oh my god, the chocolate! I sure loved my mom sending me some from Finland. A taste of home across the Atlantic.

For father’s day, I did skip the cinnabons. I love cinnamon rolls, but I don’t like icing, and there’s nothing I can do to fix a day of 1100 kcal roll!

So, what can I say? Little treats are keeping me sane. 29 day streak of eating well and losing weight, and did I mention lifting weights?!

Non-scale victory?

Reddit has ruined my vocabulary (NSVs everywhere! ). Nevertheless, my wedding ring fits my finger now!  I look like a missus…

…thanks to getting sick again. Naked protein smoothies, I’m looking at you (the only common denominator between the last gastrointestinal bout and this one; no shakes between the two).

image

353 lbs.

Potassium schpotassium

Tracking one’s macronutrients can be awfully satisfying from an OCD point of view. With the MyFitnessPal android app, it’s been a delightful journey into discovering some of my micronutrients as well.

It appears that no matter what, I intake only half of my daily potassium requirement. How the heck people hit these numbers and stay aligned with all their other requirements? Must be magic. Dirty, filthy, potassium-infused magic.

Also, despite really wanting to lie to the app when I’ve been naughty in my eatings, I haven’t. I did notice it’s easier to correct a few terrible choices in my daily life when I’m aware of their effect on my daily macro distribution. Too many fats? Eat more carbs/protein. Too much sugar? Well, lean meats it is…

I have to admit that I feel pretty good. 14 days in, 13 lbs lost pretty effortlessly. I feel there might yet be hope for my mommy weight.